LISETTE RUISSEAU & THE GRAND GUIGNOL AFFAIR

by

Brian Sands

Secret Agent, Yahoo Group, Hapless Damsels

Episode Six The End of the Affair

Signature tune Ravel’s Bolero

Announcer We present Andrea Joyau and Noir de Plaisance in Lisette Ruisseau and the Grand Guignol Affair, a Lisette Ruisseau and Donald Caisson mystery by Mignon Marceau. Episode Six, “The End of the Affair.”

Signature tune Continues, fades.

Lisa Darling, I think I know what their next move will be. It will be something to do with Lady Bond’s home and the ruby. They were going to let her free in exchange for her cooperation and our safety. She was tied up in her cottage – you must have just missed her if you drove past that way …

Don We did. I sat on stakeout there for fifteen minutes until I had the call from Roger.

Lisa The plan was for me and Lina to remain here bound and gagged until they had the ruby and came back to collect us … in a day or two …

Don You poor darling!

Lisa I’m not sure that either of us could have survived for so long. Anyway, we’re both free, thanks to you and Roger, and when we’re back I shall concentrate on setting s trap for them.

Don What sort of trap?

Lisa I don’t know yet.

Don The sort using yourself as the bait, as usual I might add?

Lisa Very probably … Don’t laugh, darling. My traps always work.

Don But not often as you intend them!

Lisa Not this time. I’ll wear my lucky trench coat.

Don It’s a very lucky garment, to be embracing such a sweet body!

Lisa Teasing and flattery, Mister Donald Caisson, will get you everywhere with this girl!

Signature tune Continues, fades.

FX Ringing of phone, receiver is picked up.

Amelia Yes?

Lisa Is that Lady Bond?

Amelia Yes, it is … Lisa, is that you?

Lisa It’s me all right, and before you ask, yes, I managed to escape from that house.

Amelia And the other girl too, Lina Islas?

Lisa Her too. We’re both free, and keeping a low profile … Amélie, tell me what the plan is, about the ruby. Now that we’re free, we can try to turn the tables on them.

Amelia Y- Yes, that’s a good idea. I’m so glad you’re both safe … They, that is Lady Prunella Scarples and that worthless husband of mine – and that other man, whoever he is – will be waiting in a particular hotel room where I am to deliver the ruby. They haven’t told me which hotel it is to be, or the room of course.

Lisa How will you open the safe? You said once that it was impossible to work the lock.

Amelia Dear Reginald gave me the key! That simplifies things a lot doesn’t it? All I have to do is to open the safe and take the ruby when the servants are away.

Lisa That’s the maid Jasmine isn’t it?

Amelia Yes, and the butler, Mr Simmondson. This is his week off anyway. I’ll tell Jasmine when she comes in this morning that I’m not feeling well and that she should take today off.

Lisa I see.

Amelia When I have the ruby I’m to phone Lady Scarples and she’ll tell me what to do next.

Lisa Probably tell you which hotel to go to. Let me know as soon as that happens. If there’s time, I’ll go to the hotel first and hide somewhere in the room.

Amelia Are you sure that’s wise?

Lisa People usually don’t look in hotel closets when they’re using the room for a purpose such as this, to meet and exchange goods, and I’ll have my little Derringer with me this time.

Amelia But what will you do?

Lisa I’ll also have a miniature tape recorder, and I’ll record the transaction as evidence that can be passed on to the insurance company.

Amelia But then?

Lisa Why, I’ll follow you and the criminals and make a call on my mobile at the same time. They’ll be intercepted in the hotel lobby, caught red handed with the ruby in their possession. Nothing could be simpler.

Amelia You’re not going to do all this alone are you?

Lisa No. I’ll have backup. I’ll ask Lina to hide in the cloakroom off the lobby. She’ll make the arrest when I give the signal. There’ll be other backup in the street from my business partners.

Amelia All right. As long as you think it will be safe! … I’ll do what you say.

Lisa All you have to do after handing over the ruby is to keep in the background, without making them suspicious about the ambush. I suspect they’ll be planning to return to the cottage, or more likely go straight to the airport. But they’ll be arrested before they have the chance to get away … Remember to let me know as soon as you have your instructions.

Amelia I will.

Lisa I’ll be standing by the phone.

FX Phone’s receiver is replaced on the hook.

Signature tune Continues at slow, suspenseful tempo, fades.

FX Door knock.

Voice Room service!

FX Turning of door handle.

Prunella There you are. We’ve been waiting for ages.

Amelia It wasn’t as easy as I expected. Jasmine wanted to stay and look after me, and after I got rid of her the door of the safe jammed and I had to prize it open with a crow bar! Then the taxi was late – I didn’t want to use my own car – and there was the usual London traffic jam.

Prunella But you have the ruby?

Amelia Yes. It’s in this little case.

Prunella Give it to me …

FX A click as the case is opened.

Prunella Ah, excellent. You’ve done good work for us!

Amelia You will let Mam’selle Ruisseau and Signora Lina Islas go now, won’t you?

Prunella All in good time. They can spend a few more hours where they are. We are going to the airport.

Amelia And I?

Prunella You can go home. Your job is done. But wait a moment while I wash my hands and put on my face, and get some things from the bedroom. Then we’ll go down to the taxi rank together.

Signature tune Continues, fades.

FX Sound of running water.

Prunella (In a stage whisper behind the sound of the water). Do you have it ready?

Man 2 (Also in a whisper). Yair. The sleeping gas will go through this little pipe from the cylinder as soon as I twist the valve cap.

Prunella (Whispering). Insert it between that narrow slat in the closet door, and do it quickly before she realises anything!

Man 2 (Whispering hoarsely). Righty-ho! Here goes …

FX Soft hissing sound mixed with the sound of running water in the background. A woman’s muffled coughing.

Prunella (Aloud triumphantly). Got her!

Man 2 Can’t never miss with this little contraption!

Prunella Open the door.

FX Squeak of closet door opening.

Prunella There she is, out to the world! … I must say that Mam’selle Ruisseau has excellent dress sense, the same sleeveless black silk she was wearing last time.

Man 2 Tan stockings and high heels!

Prunella Trust you to notice! … Roll her onto her front and tie her hands together behind her while I bind her own silk scarf in her mouth … White scarf with black dress – nice combination!

Man 2 What’ll we do with her?

Prunella Why, take her to the other room! That’s why I had you book a second room in this hotel.

Man 2 That’s done. Now for her pretty ankles.

Prunella I don’t care whether you have some fun with her or not, just make those knots tight!

Man 2 Don’t worry, she won’t be able to move when I’ve finished with her.

Prunella No time for that here. She‘s gagged, so all you have to do is to bind her hand and foot. The other room is only two doors away. We should get her there without anyone coming upon us. Then you can truss her up.

Man 2 Righty-ho … That’s her ankles done!

Prunella Excellent. Do you think you can carry her?

Man 2 Over my shoulders, that’s easy. She’s a light, small weight.

Prunella Come on then, no further delay!

Signature tune Continues at quicker, suspenseful tempo, fades.

Lisa Mmmmm? …. Mmmmph!

Prunella Awake at last! I must say that the gas worked more efficiently than I expected. Nice and uncomfortable are you? And what interesting contents in your bag, a lethal little Derringer! … My colleague has done a very neat job of tying you into that chair. We couldn’t make your hands come together – the back of the chair is too wide – so we tethered your wrists a little apart and compensated by roping you to the chair’s back, and fixing your ankles to each side. When you struggle, you’ll find that there is no leverage worth mentioning.

Lisa (Angrily). Mmmph! Mmmmph!

Prunella I’m afraid I can’t risk taking that gag off. Your cries will only frighten the maids, and we don’t want that.

Lisa (Speaking in a muffled voice through the gag). You won’t get away with this.

Prunella Oh, you can talk a little? … Classic words, but they’re meaningless.

Lisa (Still muffled). How did you know … ?

Prunella That you were hiding in the closet? Easily. We have been waiting for you … Come in, Amélie, Lady Bond, and put our young investigator’s mind at rest.

Amelia Hullo dear. You were so confident with your plans that you fell completely into our trap.

Lisa (Muffled). I should have guessed. They were too gentle with you, yet they tied and gagged me and Lina roughly!

Amelia I’m sorry about tricking you, but your interference almost ruined our plans. We had to extemporize.

Lisa And your husband … Sir Reginald?

Amelia He’s still the wimp you saw. We’re ditching him … aren’t we darling?

Prunella Of course, dear. Three’s a crowd.

Lisa And the other man?

Prunella The other man? Oh, you mean Simon. You know what they say in those ancient detective mysteries … the butler did it!

Lisa Simon Simmondson is the other member of your gang?

Prunella Of course. We fooled you well and truly, and you’re going to regret ever escaping from my sweet little cottage. I don’t suppose you’ll tell me how you did it?

Lisa No … you did trick me, that’s all I’ll acknowledge! The claustrophobia was a ruse as well?

Amelia Of course it was … Lady Scarples, the girl’s talking too easily through that gag, and it’s loose enough to slip off given half the chance.

Prunella We’ll soon take care of that. I am highly diverted by our muffled, almost one-sided conversation.

Simon (Formerly Man 2). You want it done now?

Prunella Yes. This young woman is becoming boring. Stuff a handkerchief in her mouth … deep in her mouth … then tie her scarf over it like before. That will stop any further talk for the present. We’ll make her gag more secure when it’s time to leave, but first we’ll take stock of the situation in the other room, which is safe because they shan’t know we’re there.

Simon You’d better not try to scream when this comes off, understand?

Lisa (Muffled). Yes.

Simon Okay … Open wide … That’s bein’ nice an’ cooperative, an’ sensible. I won’t have to rough you up.

Lisa Nn- ngggk!

Simon (Grunting). There … a good tight knot just behind your ear. That will hold the gag in place.

Lisa (Faintly). Mmmmph!

Signature tune Continues for a few bars, fades.

Roger They haven’t come out yet, Sir. The insurance woman reports no activity in the lobby.

Don We must be patient in order to catch them. Lisa won’t be able to move from that closet until they’ve left.

Roger Do you think she’s all right?

Don No, I don’t … I have a bad feeling about this. Something’s not quite right … Her plan seems too easy.

Roger Do you think she’s told more people than us … and Lina Islas? Too many people knowing about a plan increases a likelihood of failure.

Don The human factor … Yers. She had to tell Lady Bond something about it because she needed to know where the meeting and the handover of the ruby was to take place.

Roger Do you think Lady Bond is trustworthy?

Don No … Not a hundred percent, and you’re having doubts too aren’t you?

Roger Yes Sir. My nose tells me …

Don Exactly! Both our noses are twitching. I don’t like it! Everything smells like a trap and we haven’t been in the business this long to ignore the feeling … Come on!

Roger Where to, Sir?

Don Up to their room. We’ll call their bluff … and have your revolver ready!

Signature tune Continues at quicker, suspenseful tempo, fades.

Prunella Dump Mam’selle on the bed for now and tie her ankles together.

Simon Sure thing (grunts).

Lisa Umph!

Simon It’s easier now that she’s not wearing that overcoat.

Prunella You and lady Bond check out the van in this hotel’s rear car park. Be careful. Try to see whether the area’s being watched and make sure you’re not spotted at the same time.

Simon Will do.

Prunella If the coast is clear we’ll make a run for it, and take the girl as a hostage.

Amelia How will we get her out of here?

Prunella I’m not sure. It’s too risky walking there out the back in the open. Even if the police aren’t watching – and I would be very surprised if they’re not – one of the hotel staff might very likely see us. A young woman with her hands tied behind her and a gag in her mouth would be sure to attract attention … I’ll wait for you in the adjoining apartment while our pretty prisoner can struggle here alone for awhile.

Simon She’s nice an’ secure. I’ve hog tied her just to make sure.

Amelia Good, don’t underestimate her!

Prunella We shan’t, believe me! … Do you hear that, Mam’selle Ruisseau? Just lie there nice and quiet like a good girl.

Lisa Mmph!

FX Door slams shut.

Signature tune ASlower, suspenseful tempo, fades.

Don So there’s nothing to report?

Lina No, señor … As you see, we have an uninterrupted view of the foyer from this cloak room, and none of the criminals have set foot there.

Roger Perhaps, Sir, I should reconnoitre?

Don Yes, I think that would be a good idea.

Roger Bientôt!

Lina He’s gone, so quickly! I hope …

Don There’s no need to ask him to be careful, if that’s what you’re thinking. Roger has a reputation in certain quarters as Le Rôdeur …

Lina I remember hearing something about that … He’s a sort of cat burglar, a prowler as his name suggests?

Don Yers. What’s more, he’s completely dependable … What’s this?

FX Ringing of Don’s mobile phone.

Don (Guardedly). Yes?

Lisa (Speaking quickly). Don! Listen … No time to explain. I worked the gag off and managed to reach the phone … I’m bound hand and foot, and hog tied … Don, be careful … This isn’t- … Oh!

Don Lisa … Lisette … Damn, the phone went dead. She’s in trouble, and she didn’t have a chance to finish.

Lina We’d better go up now.

Don Yes … Come on!

Signature tune Quicker, suspenseful tempo, fades.

Prunella What is it? You shouldn’t call out loudly like that!

Amelia It’s a good thing I looked in to see whether I left my purse here. The little troublemaker was speaking to someone on the phone. I reached her before she could say where we are.

Lisa Mmmph! Mmmph!

Prunella Keep your hand over her mouth … Mam’selle, do you wish me to knock you out with this gas spray again? Remember the nasty headache last time?

Lisa Nn nnn!

Prunella Then keep very quiet.

Amelia What will we do?

Prunella Why, we’ll make the ropes a lot tighter! … But first this little silk dress can come off.

FX Sound of a dress unzipping.

Lisa Mmmph!

Prunella Quiet dear, remember the gas … Ah, this will please Simon when he arrives: white string panties, mostly all lace, and a white bra with a matching lace design! Simon will positively drool!

Amelia One would expect the tan stockings and suspender belt to clash, but they don’t on this little woman! Reminds me of the comments of the ladies’ group when they danced around her.

Prunella They were boring weren’t they? But we have enough to persuade certain ones to part with their money – when we’re safe on the Continent of course.

Amelia That’s where we should be going right now. But what about the girl?

Prunella Simon has that sorted out … Anyway, now that Mam’selle is sufficiently disrobed, we should finish the tying up. It will be more difficult for her to get out of her bonds with no clothes in the way. Even the little black dress could conceivably allow some slack.

Amelia There won’t be any slack the way you’re tying her arms now.

Lisa Mmmmph!

Prunella The ladie’s becoming vocal again. Keep your hand tightly over her mouth while I finish these knots … There, that’s her elbows done. Now to put the gag back on … I’ll use this spare scarf from her handbag. Open up dear.

Lisa No … Nnnngg!

Prunella All the way in … a quick knot in the middle of this scarf, and it goes between her jaws instead of over her mouth … (Choking sound). That should keep her from slipping the gag this time.

Lisa Nggggggggh!

Prunella Now that you don’t have to hold your hand over her mouth, you can tie her pretty ankles together while I finish with her wrists.

Amelia No kicking, Mam’selle! That’s better. I’ll tie her legs too, around her thighs.

Prunella Yes. She needs more than just being tied hand and foot this time. She almost got away … Ah, here’s Simon.

FX Door opening, sound of a trolley’s wheels, door closes.

Simon I found just the thing to transport her … Oh gawd, now ain’t that loverly!

Prunella I knew you’d be impressed … More importantly, were you seen?

Simon Nope, and it’s all clear around the back, so far. Won’t be for long though. There are people running about in the lobby and the phones there are ringing crazily.

Prunella If you put on this white dry cleaners’ coat, anyone seeing you wheeling the laundry basket won’t give it a second thought.

Simon That’s the idea. I put the lady detective in the basket an’ we get her out to the car.

Amelia Do you think we’ll make it without being seen?

Prunella Not like you’re dressed now, in furs and jewellery. But get them off and put on this maid’s uniform. I tried to choose your size. The owner is nicely trussed up in a closet.

Amelia What will you wear?

Prunella I’ll follow after you in this black dress and veil … Simon, load Mam’selle into the basket and we’ll be on our way.

Simon Sure thing … Hey wait a minute … She’s making too much noise through that silk.

Lisa Mmmmph mmmmph!

Prunella I see what you mean. Can you make her gag tighter?

Simon I’ve just the thing, this roll of gaffers’ tape I found under the trolley. I brought it along in case we ran out of rope for Mam’selle.

Prunella Excellent. Tape her mouth up … wind it round and around, so she can’t even move her jaws.

Simon Okey-dokey.

Lisa Mmmph … Mph!

Prunella That’s much better. No one will hear her if you pile a lot of bed sheets on top of her as well.

Simon Here goes then, into the basket with you.

Lisa Mph!

Signature tune Slower tempo once more, fades.

FX Sound of laundry trolley on paved courtyard.

Prunella Hurry up, while no one’s in sight!

Simon I’m doin’ the best I can. Can’t believe that small woman’s so heavy.

Amelia A dead weight if she’s unconscious.

Simon Yes, well I hope Mam’selle Ruisseau regains consciousness soon, that’s all I can say … Help me lift the confounded thing into the van.

Amelia All right … Arrrrgh! (Screams).

Roger Nom d’un cochon! Take that, vile merde!

Simon (Screams) Arrrgh!

Amelia The- the girl’s not there! Instead it’s a man all in black!

Prunella I know who it is … Don’t move, Le Rôdeur, I have Mam’selle’s Derringer … Eeeek!

Lina And I, Signorina, have my little insurance issue Browning automatic, which is aimed straight at your black heart.

Amelia No wonder the laundry basket was so heavy, with those two inside! … But I have my baby revolver, so put down your gun Signorina Islas! … Eeeee!

Don I’ll take that little toy!

Amelia You’re hurting my wrist!

Don Then relinguish the revolver to me!

Lina I repeat, drop the gun, Signorina Prunella Scarples! Now!

FX Clatter of pistol falling to the pavement.

Amelia Wh- Where did you come from?

Don The other side of your van of course. There was no room in the laundry basket for three of us!

Roger He’s unconscious. Perhaps I hit him too hard!

Lina The police are pouring in, and there’s Jasmine with them. She warned them independently of us.

Don Good. They can take over … It was an excellent ploy, Roger, to hide in Lisette’s place … Where is the wonderful woman, by the way?

Roger I had no time to untie her. When the Maitre d’Hôtel distracted them for a moment there was only enough time to place Mam’selle under the bed and for us to climb into the basket … Mam’selle Ruisseau’s still there, Sir, trussed comme une p’tit poule.

Don I’ll go to her. You and Signorina Islas brief the police.

Signature tune Slower tempo once more, fades.

Don Lisette? … Lisette, are you there?

Lisa (Faintly). Mph!

Don Still under the bed where Roger left you? ... I’ll soon get you out of there … (Grunts) … My lord. You’re quite a sight in your lingerie, with your hair all mussed up too. I must say I like your choice of tan stockings!

Lisa Mf mmph!

Don Right, enough joking. You’re obviously very uncomfortable … There, now that you’re sitting up I can do something about that gag … Just slip my knife under it …

Lisa Mmmph!

Don Yes, I know … gently along the jaw line … haven’t I done this for you on one or two other notable occasions?

Lisa Mff!

Don Hold still now … good girl … The little knife’s doing a neat job … They sure taped you up tightly! … I’ll fish the packing from your mouth.

Lisa D- Don … (coughs).

Don You should know better than to try to talk as soon as your gag’s removed. Your mouth’s dry. Take a swig of this. It’s only water. There’ll be something stronger for you when we get you home.

Lisa Ohhh that’s better. The water tastes so good! … I know I haven’t been tied up for long, and I understand why Roger didn’t have time to look after me – they weren’t sure how many were in the gang or whether they were armed, he said - but my arms and legs are cramping already, and I’m so cold!

Don Well, you’re not wearing very much …

Lisa Not only that … I think I’m in a little shock, clinical shock that is. It was horrible lying trussed up and hog tied in the bottom of that laundry basket. I couldn’t make a sound to help myself, was all the time fighting to breathe through the layers of bed linen, and some of it was distinctly odoriferous!

Don Feeling better now that this blanket’s around you?

Lisa Much better, but not for the blanket, welcome though it is. I’m just so relieved and happy to be in your arms.

Don Come on, I’ll take you home.

Signature tune Rises, fades.

Don So that’s how we did it. We had to move very fast. Roger told me on his mobile that he and Lina had secreted themselves inside the laundry basket, then he deactivated the mobile so that its sound would not give them away.

Jasmine Wasn’t it a very dangerous thing to do? I mean, hiding in the basket like that?

Don The question where Roger is concerned should be “dangerous for whom?” That laundry basket now contained two armed investigators, and there was the element of surprise that became so evident in a very short time. And I was following them closely. We wanted to round up the whole gang, so we played them along for a moment.

Clive Devereau We were also following events closely at Special Branch, and I must say that young Mam’selle Ruisseau took considerable risks.

Don That, I am afraid, is something we have learned to live with!

Oscar Holme More drinks anyone?

Lisa I’ll have another light shandy if I may?

Don This case was full of surprises. We had no idea that an insurance company was also investigating the gang.

Lina Si, Señor Caisson. I can close the file on that case and my employers will be very happy … There is one thing however that I wish to follow up. Señor Roger Iggotson, it was very interesting to be inside that beeg basket with you. I would like to ask you some questions about concealment, perhaps at my apartment in thirty minutes, if you will escort me?

Roger Signorina Islas, it will be my very great pleasure to escort you anywhere!

Lina Come then! … Gentlemen, I am sure we will meet again, our lines of work being so similar, and Singorina Ruisseau, perhaps we have lunch together tomorrow?

Lisa I’d love that!

Lina Only not too early a lunch. I have other plans … Señor Rogerrr?

Roger Á bientôt! Till we meet again.

FX Door opens and closes.

Devereau We must be going too. There is always so much to do at the office. A rather pressing case of white slavery is our chief concern at present.

Lisa Perhaps we may be of assistance?

Don No! Definitely not, my dear lady! You’ve had all the fun you’re going to have for the time being.

Lisa Oh well. I suppose there’s always that funny little group with their arcane rituals.

Devereau What does she mean?

Don Another time, Sir, if you don’t mind. It’s somewhat complicated.

Devereau As it usually is with this young woman … Au’voir my dear. Give an old fellow a kiss.

Lisa Mwa!

Devereau I say! Right on the mouth this time.

Lisa Mister Holme too …

Oscar Oh dear!

Lisa Well that makes a change, both of you blushing!

Devreau You are such a lovely young woman. Continue to take good care of her Donald.

Don Indeed, Sir, as Roger would say, it will be a very great pleasure.

FX Door opens and closes on departing guests.

Lisa Alone at last! I wondered when it would all be over, all those statements we had to make.

Don And explanations.

Lisa Yes. Explanations. Don, what an unusual case! Beginning with those loopy women and their blindfold and tying up games …

Don Don’t tell me you didn’t enjoy that!

Lisa Well, I did, but I began to feel even at that early stage that I was stepping in off the deep end. After all, allowing myself to be tied up by complete strangers … Then there was that fake kidnapping.

Don A ploy by Lady Bond to take any suspicion off herself and to find out how much you knew.

Lisa And Lady Scarples too. They both trailed some lovely red herrings for me, and I fell for them at first … Then the hidden passage between the two cottages, finding Lina Islas in a cellar bound and gagged, then becoming bound and gagged myself … The case had all the ingredients for some sort of Grand Guignol. There was no battle, murder and sudden death. Nothing gruesome and bloody, I’m glad to say. But there was a touch of horror about it, being bound and gagged in a cellar and then an attic like in a horror movie.

Don You have a way of getting into trouble so easily.

Lisa But you have a way of rescuing me at the last minute, just when I’d given up hope … We make a good team.

Don Yers.

Signature tune Begins, builds up ... fades.

Announcer That was Andrea Joyau and Noir de Plaisance in Lisette Ruisseau and the Grand Guignol Affair, a Lisette Ruisseau and Donald Caisson mystery by Mignon Marceau. 

Back to Index

Back to Friends Page

Back to Stories Page

Back to What's New

© Brian Sands 2005