LISETTE RUISSEAU & THE GRAND GUIGNOL AFFAIR

 

 

A Lisette Ruisseau and Donald Caisson Mystery

 

 

 

 

 

by

 

Brian Sands

 

 

In homage to Francis DurbridgeÕs Paul Temple radio plays

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

‹ Brian Sands

All rights reserved in all media

 

2005

 

 

 


Cast in order of appearance

 

Lisette Ruisseau

Donald Caisson

Roger Iggotson (Le R™deur)

Sir Clive Devereau

Oscar Holme

Jasmine the maid

Lady AmŽlie/Amelia Bond

Sir Reginald Bond

Simon Simmondson, Lady AmeliaÕs Butler

Lettie KleiderbŸgel

Nicole Rockesheila

Molly Bloomsbury

Signora Lina Islas

Lady Prunella Scarples

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


 

 

 

 

 

 

African Manhunt, Movie Star News, scan by Brian Sands

 

 


 

 

Episode One  A Mysterious Warning

Signature tune RavelÕs Bolero

Announcer We present Andrea Joyau and Noir de Plaisance in Lisette Ruisseau and the Grand Guignol Affair, a Lisette Ruisseau and Donald Caisson mystery by Mignon Marceau.  Episode One, ŅA Mysterious Warning.Ó

Signature tune Continues, fades.

FX       Telephone

Lisette Will you answer that Darling? IÕm just about to step into the shower. It will probably be for you anyway.

Don Right you are ... Hullo, this is Donald Caisson speaking ... Yes ... Yes, weÕll be available ... Eleven oÕclock then ... And you want Lisa to come too? IÕm sure sheÕll have no difficulty changing the appointment with her hairdresser.

FX       Telephone receiver clicks back into its cradle. Sound of a door opening.

Lisette I donÕt need to ask who phoned. From the look on your face itÕs the Ministry again?

Don ThatÕs right, Darling. It was Sir Devereau on the line. He sounded rather perturbed.

Lisette ThatÕs unusual for Sir Devereau. He usually keeps his famous Eenglish stiff upper lip.

Don Yers. A light touch of the Latin culture in his character would not go astray.

Lisette Don, whatÕs the problem this time? Is he asking for your assistance again?

Don For our assistance actually. He made a special point of requesting that you come to the meeting too. I told him ...

Lisette That I could easily put off my hair appojntment. I heard you, you cad! YouÕll give Sir Devereau the impression that IÕm one of those scatty women who care more for their appearance than for national security.

Don I wouldnÕt put much credence in national security, but from what he told me itÕs serious enough ... An ordinary-seeming kidnapping but one with hidden dimensions. Sir Devereau thinks itÕs time for a womanÕs touch in their investigations.

Lisette WomenÕs intuition?

Don Nothing like that stereotype! ItÕs just that there is a woman involved and Sir Devereau thought that meeting you instead of one of those colourless beings in grey would be more appropriate. His words, but I tend to agree. YouÕre a very good interviewer. You were able to sift out a few unintentional admissions from that woman when we first met, on that Computer Software Scam Case.

Lisette Hmm. I rather think we should have stayed on that side of things. Doing investigative work for Inland Revenue is one thing. Working for the Ministry is an entirely different kettle of fish.

Don I know, especially for someone with my history.

Lisette But they donÕt know about that ... do they?

Don I wouldnÕt be surprised if they did! The more I learn about their resources the more I wonder how those international criminal cartels get away with what they do.

Lisette Inside sources?

Don Very possibly. And I think that Sir Devereau is going to ask whether youÕll volunteer to infiltrate a rather shady organisation. We shanÕt be far from you of course, and if anything goes wrong weÕll bring you in, as they say.

Lisette In one piece I hope. Oh donÕt look so glum Darling! You know I thrive on adventures like this ... whatever it is.

Don Yers. We havenÕt been briefed yet, so there will be an opportunity to back out if you think itÕs too dangerous.

Lisette A little danger doesnÕt worry me. I want to find out whatÕs going on.

Don Yers ... Now, letÕs ask our factotum to make the car ready and weÕll be on our way in fifteen minutes.

FX Sound of a buzzer. Pause.

Rogi You rang?

Don Ah, there you are Rogi. As quiet on your feet as ever. Will you please make the car ready for MamÕselle Ruisseau and myself?

Rogi Another tte-a-tte with Sir Devereau sir?

Lisette YouÕre a wonder, Rogi.

Rogi I keep my ear to the wall, so to speak.

Don No doubt.

Rogi IÕll have the car ready for you right away. Ah, it will be the Merc again?

Lisette Yes indeed! ItÕs a comfortable car to travel in.

Rogi It will be ready shortly.

FX Retreating footsteps, door closes.

Lisette  How does he do that?

Don Do what?

Lisette Come and go like that. One moment heÕs not here and the next moment heÕs here, as though ...

Don As though there was no transition time in between receiving our call and arriving. Yers. Rogi moves in mysterious ways.

Lisette Still, heÕs an excellent chauffeur. He looks after that car as though it was his own.

Don Well, he does have a part-share in it.

Lisette Of course. I was forgetting ... IÕm looking forward to going to the ministry in style.

Don Indeed. That carÕs had a chequered career. More than one investigative damsel has ridden in its boot.

Lisette Well IÕm no stranger to that experience! And I rather like riding in the front seat for a change.

Don LetÕs hope it remains that way.

Lisette Oh Don, you know IÕll be very careful. IÕve learnt a lot since our first meeting.

Don IÕm not so sure. IÕve a feeling that Sir Devereau will be presenting us with a very difficult case.

Lisette Too difficult for you Darling?

Don Not on your life, Dear. Come on. Get your coat and weÕll be on our way.

Lisette IÕll be right with you Darling. Do you think I should take my trench coat or that faux fur jacket I bought last week?

Don Depends how you expect this case will shape up. I personally think that ... (Voices fade, several bars of theme music).

FX Opening of lift door. Footsteps, the clicking of high heel shoes and the step of a manÕs shoes.

Lisette Same old place. HasnÕt changed a bit.

Don Yers.  The entrance corridor is just as austere as ever.

Lisette Ohh, but now the plush carpeted section. This I like! I could just take off my shoes and let my toes squooze into the pile.

FX The sound of footsteps ceases and is replaced by the swish of LisetteÕs skirt and the susurration of feet scuffing on carpet.

Don Here we are. You can knock my dear.

Lisette Thank you.

FX A dull knock on a thick wooden door followed a second later by the jingling chime of a Christmas carol, ŌGood King Wenceslas.Õ

Lisette Goodness me!

Don Yers. One does not often hear musical jokes in the Ministry. Sir Devereau must be entering into festive mode ... After you Darling.

FX LisetteÕs heels and DonaldÕs shoes on a wooden floor, the soft click of a closing door.

Lisette Good morning Sir Devereau.

Devereau Lisette my dear, allow me to greet you in the French fashion.

Lisette Mwa ... mwa!

Devereau Hullo Donald, may I shake you by the hand? ItÕs good to see you again.

Don IÕm glad youÕre not always a stickler for foreign customs. Yers, we are well met, under better circumstances than the last time! SeasonÕs greetings, Sir Dev.

Lisette Why the Continental touch, Clive?

Devereau A change of pace and style my dear. It was pointed out to me that the French custom of kissing the lady on both cheeks allowed for a more extended contact.

Don Two kisses instead of one.

Lisette Don was just saying earlier that your office needed a Latin touch.

Oscar My idea, IÕm afraid. A Christmas ploy to encourage Sir D to unbend a little.

Lisette Hullo Oscar. ItÕs good to see you too ... Mwa ...  mwa.

Don This whole business is rather catching. My hand, old fellow.

Oscar Donald, glad to see you again. Lisa my dear, let me take your overcoat. Trench coats are back in fashion I see.

 

Lisette Now that we have the introductions out of the way, would you two gentlemen tell us whatÕs going on?

Devereau Certainly, my dear. Make yourselves comfortable.

Oscar Name your poison?

Lisette Oh.  A gin and tonic for me please, with a thin slice of lemon, lightly stirred.

Don IÕll have a whisky and soda, Oscar old fellow. Well shaken.

Devereau Wise choice. IÕll have the same please Oscar.

Oscar And IÕll have a light dry sherry. There you are.

FX Clinking of glasses and squirting and pouring of liquids.

Devereau Now that our cups are charged and weÕre comfortable, Oscar will fill you in on the principal details of the case.

Oscar Can I ask you a question first? How much do you know about the Aloysius Ruby?

Lisette Only what weÕve read in the papers, and on the TV, havenÕt we Darling?

Don Yers. You see, Sir D, weÕve been out of the country taking a well-earned holiday after that cyber counterfeiting affair.

Lisette So weÕve been a little out of touch. Breakfast at the top of the Eiffel Tower takes oneÕs mind off earthly things.

Oscar Even gems it seems, as they come from the earth. Hrumph. My little joke.

Don WhatÕs the trouble then? Has the jewel been snatched?

Devereau No ... No, the jewel remains locked away and secure in the ownerÕs safe. ItÕs the ownerÕs wife who was snatched ...

Lisette Oh no!

Devereau ThereÕs no need to be alarmed. The lady in question was found two days later wandering in a dazed state in Green Park late at night. An observant police patrol spotted her. When they reached her, just before she could slip and fall into one of the ponds, they found that the poor woman was blindfolded, and her hands were tied behind her back.

Oscar She spent a day in hospital under observation, then the medicos allowed her to go home.

Don So whatÕs the problem? I take it that she gave a full statement to the police?

Devereau ThatÕs just it, IÕm afraid. The lady refuses to say anything about the matter. She tried to explain it away at first as a silly prank that she and some women friends played, that got a little out of hand. But, under further cross-examination, she refused to say anything more.

Oscar It was obvious to the questioning officers that the woman was terrified. Too frightened to speak to the authorities.

Lisette It sounds as though sheÕs had a pretty strong warning about something. But how would that relate to the ruby?

Devereau We donÕt know, my dear.

Oscar We were rather hoping that you might be able to find out for us.

Lisette Me?

Don Yers, I rather suspect that Clive wishes to rely on the feminine touch, is that not so Sir D?

Devereau ThatÕs correct, Mister Caisson. If Miss Ruisseau is willing to become involved in the case.

Lisette WeÕll both be involved in it, wonÕt we dear?

Don Of course. I canÕt have my business partner operating alone. We work as a team.

Devereau I was hoping you would say that.

Lisette WhatÕs the womanÕs name?

Devereau This is strictly confidential of course. The family do not wish their name to be linked to the ruby. As far as the general public are concerned, the ruby is in the hands of an anonymous private collector.

Oscar The owners are Sir Reginald Bond and his wife, Lady AmŽlie Bond.

Devereau It was Lady AmŽlie who underwent the experience that is a mystery to us. Oscar will give you their address. Sir Reginald is out of the country temporarily, visiting business associates in the U.S.

Oscar Lady Bond specifically requested that we do not tell her husband about her disappearance.

Lisette I see. IÕll be the soul of discretion if I meet him. WeÕll get onto it right away, shall we Darling?

Don I can see that special glint in your eyes! Sit Devereau, Oscar, when my partner has that look in her eyes thereÕs no stopping her!

Lisette Anyway, the interview with Lady AmŽlie Bond is my job, Dear, hardly a manÕs province.

Devereau We accept that gladly, MamÕselle Lisette.

Oscar Here is the ladyÕs address and phone number on this card.

Lisette Thank you ... Well, weÕll be going then.

Don Thank you for the drink.

Lisette And the new case to work on.

Devereau Goodbye my dear. Oscar will see you out.

Oscar But not before the traditional French parting.

Lisette More kisses on the cheek? Really, you men are incorrigible!

Devereau Au revoir my dear

Lisette Till we meet again Sir Devereau. Mwa , mwa ... (Voices fade; bars of theme tune).

FX Background hum of motor car.

Lisette Well, what do you make of all that, Darling?

Don ItÕs hard to say. But it seems to me that the Aloysius Ruby is in the sights of some kind of criminal organisation.

Lisette And that theyÕre using terror as a form of blackmail on the wife?

Don Possibly.

Lisette ThatÕs what I think anyway ... Don, what was in the envelope that Oscar gave you as we were leaving?

Don Oh yers, I nearly forgot. Here ...

Lisette Photographs ... That must be Sir Reginald. He looks a little like Major Orange in that detective board game doesnÕt he? And thatÕs Lady AmŽlie... Small attractive brunette with short wavy hair. This must be a press photograph. TheyÕre both in evening dress.

Don Hmmm. It canÕt have been taken many months ago.

Lisette I think the sooner I pay the lady a visit the better, donÕt you Darling?

Don Indeed ... Rogi, will you drop me off at the newspaper office then take Lisa to this address in Chelsea?

Rogi Right you are, Mister C.

Lisette When youÕve done that, you can go back and pick up Don. IÕll be fine. The stationÕs not far and itÕs fun travelling on the underground.

Rogi Very good MamÕselle.

Lisette IÕll be back home before you, Dear.

Don Be careful. If youÕre interviewing a woman whoÕs under threat, that threat might involve you.

Lisette IÕm always careful Darling. If thereÕs any difficulty IÕll phone you. Ah, here are the offices now. Have a good morning Don ... (Voices fade; bars of theme tune).

FX A door chime. Sound of handle rattling and door opening.

Maid YeÕm?

Lisette Good morning.  My name is Lisa Rivers. IÕve come to see your employer, Lady AmŽlie Bond.

Maid Her ladyship is not receiving guests. Are you a reporter?

Lisette No. IÕm a private investigator and IÕve come to help her ladyship.

Jasmine (Stubbornly). IÕm sorry. Her ladyship is out.

AmŽlie  (From a distance). What is it Jasmine? Not another reporter?

Jasmine She says sheÕs an investigator MaÕam.

AmŽlie  Well thatÕs a more novel approach.  (Voice comes closer). I donÕt want to be rude Miss ...

Lisette Lisa Rivers.

AmŽlie  ... Miss Rivers. But IÕve had rather an unpleasant experience and I donÕt want to talk about it.

Lisette ItÕs not always a good thing to bottle up oneÕs emotions, you know. All the best psychologists are saying that nowadays. And I think that if you care to tell me a little about it, it will make you feel better. IÕve been retained by an investigative firm to look into your case ... your experience. Usually I work on my own, but there are aspects of the affair that intrigue me, so I agreed to look into it for these other people. Please give me a few minutes of your time. I promise to go quietly.

AmŽlie  Oh very well ... Jasmine, show Miss Rivers into the living room. IÕll be with you in a moment.

FX Footsteps walking away on a wooden floor.

Jasmine In here, Miss, if you please.

Lisette What a lovely little room. Your employer certainly has excellent taste.

Jasmine (Proudly). Yes. SheÕs one in a million is Lady Bond.

Lisette Jasmine, your clothes donÕt quite match what I expected to see on a ladyÕs maid.

Jasmine (Laughing).  Oh, the seven veils harem outfit? IÕm on my way to my belly-dancing class. Go there every week.

FX High heels on wooden floor approaching.

AmŽlie  And sheÕs very good at it too. Won second prize last year out of a roomful of contestants. Stay a little, Jasmine please and serve Miss Rivers. What will you have to drink my dear?

Lisette Well, itÕs a little early in the morning, but a plain soda would be nice.

AmŽlie  IÕll have the same ...  Jasmine?

Jasmine Yes MaÕam.

FX Sound of glasses clinking and soda water hissing.

AmŽlie  Cheers. Now take a seat and tell me about it.

Lisette Well, the reports said that you were found in Green Park, blindfolded and with your hands tied.

AmŽlie  ThatÕs true. Some of my girlfriends were playing a joke on me. Jasmine was in on it too, werenÕt you?

Jasmine Yes MaÕam.

AmŽlie  It was all very harmless really. I donÕt know what the fuss is all about.

Lisette But you said a moment ago that it was an unpleasant experience and you did not want to talk about it!

AmŽlie  So I did. I became somewhat frightened when they took me into the park and left me there. Otherwise itÕs really quite fun.

Lisette I see ...

AmŽlie  IÕll show you ... Jasmine, bring over that decorative cotton rope on the curtain please.

Jasmine This one, MaÕam?

AmŽlie  Yes. Now, Miss Rivers, if you will put your hands behind your back.

Lisette I donÕt understand.

AmŽlie  IÕm just showing you how it happened, and youÕll see itÕs only a silly game.

Lisette Well ... all right.

AmŽlie  Good. Make the knots tight, Jasmine. ItÕs part of the game to know that one canÕt get untied without help. It adds a thrill of excitement.

Lisette I see. (Pauses, grunts). No, I canÕt budge these cords. YouÕve done a good job on me.

Jasmine If you will sit down Miss.

Lisette But ...

AmŽlie  Jasmine will tie your feet as well ... Get the other curtain cord, Jasmine ... ThatÕs how we begin. The volunteer for the adventure is bound hand and foot, blindfolded, then cross-examined.

Lisette Good heavens. What do you ask each other?

AmŽlie  Silly things you know, such as what they did earlier that day, where they went, what they bought at which haute couture salon. The one with the best and wittiest replies wins the prize.

Lisette Which is ...?

AmŽlie  A treat out at a posh restaurant paid for by her friends. ItÕs as simple as that.

Lisette But you donÕt go to the restaurant tied up like this?

AmŽlie  Oh no. The restaurant comes much later ... Jasmine, tie that black silk scarf over Miss RiversÕ eyes and then you can go. IÕll free her when weÕve finished our talk.

Jasmine Yes MaÕam.

Lisette Oh but you donÕt have to ...

AmŽlie  There, a fait accompli. ItÕs not uncomfortable but it adds a little touch of mystery to the game. And I find blindfolds soo erotique, donÕt you?

Lisette I admit theyÕre fun sometimes, but really, I did not come here to be tied hand and foot and blindfolded.

AmŽlie  But youÕre being a good sport about it, and I like that. ... Goodbye Jasmine. Have a nice time.

Jasmine Goodbye MaÕam ...  Goodbye, Miss Rivers. DonÕt let this worry you. Her ladyship is a little eccentric but sheÕs good fun.

FX WomenÕs solid shoes on wooden floor, distant closing of door.

AmŽlie  Now that JasmineÕs gone, I can come clean with you, Miss Rivers. I donÕt want her to know that I really was kidnapped.

Lisette But this game youÕve just described ... and demonstrated on me?

AmŽlie  Oh we play this game. ThatÕs quite true. Except that É on that night, when I had been bound and blindfolded, I was taken somewhere.

Lisette By one of your friends?

AmŽlie  Well whoever she is, sheÕs no friend of mine! But the trouble is, I donÕt know who it was. One of my so-called friends took me to some place - it smelled awful - and handed me over to a man. It was terrifying. (Begins to cry).

Lisette Look, your Ladyship, I canÕt do much to comfort you with my hands and feet tied and this scarf over my eyes. Untie me and tell me what really happened.

AmŽlie  V- Very well. There, thatÕs the scarf. DoesnÕt it feel delicious when the silk is slipped away across your face like that?

Lisette Yes, itÕs nice, but keep to the point! Tell me what happened.

AmŽlie  Well ...  I was still blindfolded. And a handkerchief was tied over my mouth. It was so tight! I tried, but I couldnÕt slip it off my face. And then the man warned me not to try to get the gag off, otherwise he would hurt me. My hands were untied and I was made to sit down in a chair. Then my arms were tied again, behind me this time, around the back of the chair. I felt rope going around my waist, and it was wound round my body a second time and around the back of the chair. That turn of rope caught me under my bosom and held me in the chair very tightly.  And I was wearing a thin chiffon top and a light matching skirt.  Then the blindfold was taken off.

Lisette Were you able to get a look at your captor?

AmŽlie  Yes, but his face was covered by a mask. I can tell you what he was wearing though. He was some sort of workman, a seaman maybe. He wore rough work trousers - duck I think you call the material - with a narrow belt and a brown shirt. And he had a wide leather belt around his waist, a sort of ammunition belt. And he had a huge revolver, and he kept on flicking open the chamber and snapping it shut, again and again. IÕll never forget that horrible clicking sound.

Lisette He - He didnÕt play Russian roulette with you?

AmŽlie  No thank god. I thought he was going to do something like that at first. But he was threatening me. After waving the thing in my face for awhile, he began opening and closing it again. And each time he did it, he said, ŅGet the ruby for usÓ ...  ŌGet the ruby for us,Ó over and over. Otherwise, he said, the next time I fall into their hands IÕm a dead woman. And he reminded me how easily I was lured into the trap.

Lisette And you donÕt know which one of your, ah, acquaintances handed you over?

AmŽlie No ... No. And I canÕt cut off all my friends. It would be insupportable.

Lisette So thereÕs a mole in your midst. What happened next?

AmŽlie I was held bound and gagged for the rest of the night and all of the next day. Only I was blindfolded in the daytime, I guess so as to make sure that I could not get a very good idea of what sort of house or apartment I was being held in. They gave me some water to drink once or twice. And I was allowed to go to a bathroom once, but I had to keep the blindfold on. The gag stayed on all day too. It was so tight. It dried my mouth out. And I couldnÕt attempt to get it off with that man coming and checking on me all the time.

Lisette Which reminds me. IÕm not gagged, but my hands are bound, and theyÕre beginning to hurt. Do you think you might untie me now? IÕve got your point.

AmŽlie  (Distractedly). Yes ... Yes of course. Sorry ... There.

Lisette Ohh, thank you. IÕll rub a little circulation back into them ... So you donÕt want to go to the police?

AmŽlie  Oh no. Then it would all come out.

Lisette Hmm. And the ruby?

AmŽlie  The man told me theyÕd let me know when they wanted it. IÕll have to take it out of the safe and substitute a fake ... and keep quiet about it all ... I donÕt know what to do. I canÕt go on living in fear like this. (Begins to cry again).

Lisette Of course not. Oh hush please ... I think the first thing we have to do is to try to identify the mole, then get her to talk ... Do you think you could introduce me into your little circle who play that ... game?

AmŽlie  I donÕt think it will be difficult.

Lisette When do you have your next meeting?

AmŽlie  As a matter of fact, itÕs on tonight. I was about to cancel it, but itÕs too short a notice.

Lisette ItÕs a very suitable time. We can get started right away.

AmŽlie  All right ... Thank you. But ... there is one thing.

Lisette WhatÕs that?

AmŽlie  I hope you wonÕt mind being tied and blindfolded again?

Lisette I donÕt understand.

AmŽlie Well É because youÕre a newcomer, youÕre the neophyte. And it would look suspicious if we didnÕt extend the same rules to you as we do towards all newcomers, though we havenÕt had a new member for quite some time.

Lisette Hmm. Where do you hold this event?

AmŽlie We take it in rotation. ItÕs at my apartment off Cadogan Square this time, not far from here. IÕll give you the address. The drinks begin after eight.

Lisette And the game?

AmŽlie  Begins after nine when everyoneÕs arrived.

Lisette IÕll be there. What should I bring?

AmŽlie  Nothing.  Dress can be casual evening wear. Do you have a little black dress?

Lisette Several.

AmŽlie  Well, wear one of them.

Lisette Thank you for the interview ... and the demonstration.

FX Two pairs of high heels clicking on the wooden floor.

AmŽlie  YouÕve made me feel a little better already. IÕm glad I agreed to see you after all ... Oh, there is one thing you can bring with you?

Lisette Oh? And whatÕs that?

AmŽlie  Bring a thick silk scarf. When their turn comes around, most of the ladies prefer their own blindfolds ... DonÕt worry about anything else. We have plenty of rope.

Signature tune Begins, builds up ... fades.

 

 

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