TALES OF THE GREY RABBIT

Episode One A Mysterious Warning

Signature tune Ravel’s Bolero

Announcer We present Andrea Joyau and Noir de Plaisance in Lisette Ruisseau and the Grand Guignol Affair, a Lisette Ruisseau and Donald Caisson mystery by Mignon Marceau. Episode One, “A Mysterious Warning.”

Signature tune Continues, fades.

FX Telephone

Lisette Will you answer that Darling? I’m just about to step into the shower. It will probably be for you anyway.

Don Right you are ... Hullo, this is Donald Caisson speaking ... Yes ... Yes, we’ll be available ... Eleven o’clock then ... And you want Lisa to come too? I’m sure she’ll have no difficulty changing the appointment with her hairdresser.

FX Telephone receiver clicks back into its cradle. Sound of a door opening.

Lisette I don’t need to ask who phoned. From the look on your face it’s the Ministry again?

Don That’s right, Darling. It was Sir Devereau on the line. He sounded rather perturbed.

Lisette That’s unusual for Sir Devereau. He usually keeps his famous Eenglish stiff upper lip.

Don Yers. A light touch of the Latin culture in his character would not go astray.

Lisette Don, what’s the problem this time? Is he asking for your assistance again?

Don For our assistance actually. He made a special point of requesting that you come to the meeting too. I told him ...

Lisette That I could easily put off my hair appojntment. I heard you, you cad! You’ll give Sir Devereau the impression that I’m one of those scatty women who care more for their appearance than for national security.

Don I wouldn’t put much credence in national security, but from what he told me it’s serious enough ... An ordinary-seeming kidnapping but one with hidden dimensions. Sir Devereau thinks it’s time for a woman’s touch in their investigations.

Lisette Women’s intuition?

Don Nothing like that stereotype! It’s just that there is a woman involved and Sir Devereau thought that meeting you instead of one of those colourless beings in grey would be more appropriate. His words, but I tend to agree. You’re a very good interviewer. You were able to sift out a few unintentional admissions from that woman when we first met, on that Computer Software Scam Case.

Lisette Hmm. I rather think we should have stayed on that side of things. Doing investigative work for Inland Revenue is one thing. Working for the Ministry is an entirely different kettle of fish.

Don I know, especially for someone with my history.

Lisette But they don’t know about that ... do they?

Don I wouldn’t be surprised if they did! The more I learn about their resources the more I wonder how those international criminal cartels get away with what they do.

Lisette Inside sources?

Don Very possibly. And I think that Sir Devereau is going to ask whether you’ll volunteer to infiltrate a rather shady organisation. We shan’t be far from you of course, and if anything goes wrong we’ll bring you in, as they say.

Lisette In one piece I hope. Oh don’t look so glum Darling! You know I thrive on adventures like this ... whatever it is.

Don Yers. We haven’t been briefed yet, so there will be an opportunity to back out if you think it’s too dangerous.

Lisette A little danger doesn’t worry me. I want to find out what’s going on.

Don Yers ... Now, let’s ask our factotum to make the car ready and we’ll be on our way in fifteen minutes.

FX Sound of a buzzer. Pause.

Rogi You rang?

Don Ah, there you are Rogi. As quiet on your feet as ever. Will you please make the car ready for Mam’selle Ruisseau and myself?

Rogi Another tête-a-tête with Sir Devereau sir?

Lisette You’re a wonder, Rogi.

Rogi I keep my ear to the wall, so to speak.

Don No doubt.

Rogi I’ll have the car ready for you right away. Ah, it will be the Merc again?

Lisette Yes indeed! It’s a comfortable car to travel in.

Rogi It will be ready shortly.

FX Retreating footsteps, door closes.

Lisette How does he do that?

Don Do what?

Lisette Come and go like that. One moment he’s not here and the next moment he’s here, as though ...

Don As though there was no transition time in between receiving our call and arriving. Yers. Rogi moves in mysterious ways.

Lisette Still, he’s an excellent chauffeur. He looks after that car as though it was his own.

Don Well, he does have a part-share in it.

Lisette Of course. I was forgetting ... I’m looking forward to going to the ministry in style.

Don Indeed. That car’s had a chequered career. More than one investigative damsel has ridden in its boot.

Lisette Well I’m no stranger to that experience! And I rather like riding in the front seat for a change.

Don Let’s hope it remains that way.

Lisette Oh Don, you know I’ll be very careful. I’ve learnt a lot since our first meeting.

Don I’m not so sure. I’ve a feeling that Sir Devereau will be presenting us with a very difficult case.

Lisette Too difficult for you Darling?

Don Not on your life, Dear. Come on. Get your coat and we’ll be on our way.

Lisette I’ll be right with you Darling. Do you think I should take my trench coat or that faux fur jacket I bought last week?

Don Depends how you expect this case will shape up. I personally think that ... (Voices fade, several bars of theme music).

FX Opening of lift door. Footsteps, the clicking of high heel shoes and the step of a man’s shoes.

Lisette Same old place. Hasn’t changed a bit.

Don Yers. The entrance corridor is just as austere as ever.

Lisette Ohh, but now the plush carpeted section. This I like! I could just take off my shoes and let my toes squooze into the pile.

FX The sound of footsteps ceases and is replaced by the swish of Lisette’s skirt and the susurration of feet scuffing on carpet.

Don Here we are. You can knock my dear.

Lisette Thank you.

FX A dull knock on a thick wooden door followed a second later by the jingling chime of a Christmas carol, ‘Good King Wenceslas.’

Lisette Goodness me!

Don Yers. One does not often hear musical jokes in the Ministry. Sir Devereau must be entering into festive mode ... After you Darling.

FX Lisette’s heels and Donald’s shoes on a wooden floor, the soft click of a closing door.

Lisette Good morning Sir Devereau.

Devereau Lisette my dear, allow me to greet you in the French fashion.

Lisette Mwa ... mwa!

Devereau Hullo Donald, may I shake you by the hand? It’s good to see you again.

Don I’m glad you’re not always a stickler for foreign customs. Yers, we are well met, under better circumstances than the last time! Season’s greetings, Sir Dev.

Lisette Why the Continental touch, Clive?

Devereau A change of pace and style my dear. It was pointed out to me that the French custom of kissing the lady on both cheeks allowed for a more extended contact.

Don Two kisses instead of one.

Lisette Don was just saying earlier that your office needed a Latin touch.

Oscar My idea, I’m afraid. A Christmas ploy to encourage Sir D to unbend a little.

Lisette Hullo Oscar. It’s good to see you too ... Mwa ... mwa.

Don This whole business is rather catching. My hand, old fellow.

Oscar Donald, glad to see you again. Lisa my dear, let me take your overcoat. Trench coats are back in fashion I see.

Lisette Now that we have the introductions out of the way, would you two gentlemen tell us what’s going on?

Devereau Certainly, my dear. Make yourselves comfortable.

Oscar Name your poison?

Lisette Oh. A gin and tonic for me please, with a thin slice of lemon, lightly stirred.

Don I’ll have a whisky and soda, Oscar old fellow. Well shaken.

Devereau Wise choice. I’ll have the same please Oscar.

Oscar And I’ll have a light dry sherry. There you are.

FX Clinking of glasses and squirting and pouring of liquids.

Devereau Now that our cups are charged and we’re comfortable, Oscar will fill you in on the principal details of the case.

Oscar Can I ask you a question first? How much do you know about the Aloysius Ruby?

Lisette Only what we’ve read in the papers, and on the TV, haven’t we Darling?

Don Yers. You see, Sir D, we’ve been out of the country taking a well-earned holiday after that cyber counterfeiting affair.

Lisette So we’ve been a little out of touch. Breakfast at the top of the Eiffel Tower takes one’s mind off earthly things.

Oscar Even gems it seems, as they come from the earth. Hrumph. My little joke.

Don What’s the trouble then? Has the jewel been snatched?

Devereau No ... No, the jewel remains locked away and secure in the owner’s safe. It’s the owner’s wife who was snatched ...

Lisette Oh no!

Devereau There’s no need to be alarmed. The lady in question was found two days later wandering in a dazed state in Green Park late at night. An observant police patrol spotted her. When they reached her, just before she could slip and fall into one of the ponds, they found that the poor woman was blindfolded, and her hands were tied behind her back.

Oscar She spent a day in hospital under observation, then the medicos allowed her to go home.

Don So what’s the problem? I take it that she gave a full statement to the police?

Devereau That’s just it, I’m afraid. The lady refuses to say anything about the matter. She tried to explain it away at first as a silly prank that she and some women friends played, that got a little out of hand. But, under further cross-examination, she refused to say anything more.

Oscar It was obvious to the questioning officers that the woman was terrified. Too frightened to speak to the authorities.

Lisette It sounds as though she’s had a pretty strong warning about something. But how would that relate to the ruby?

Devereau We don’t know, my dear.

Oscar We were rather hoping that you might be able to find out for us.

Lisette Me?

Don Yers, I rather suspect that Clive wishes to rely on the feminine touch, is that not so Sir D?

Devereau That’s correct, Mister Caisson. If Miss Ruisseau is willing to become involved in the case.

Lisette We’ll both be involved in it, won’t we dear?

Don Of course. I can’t have my business partner operating alone. We work as a team.

Devereau I was hoping you would say that.

Lisette What’s the woman’s name?

Devereau This is strictly confidential of course. The family do not wish their name to be linked to the ruby. As far as the general public are concerned, the ruby is in the hands of an anonymous private collector.

Oscar The owners are Sir Reginald Bond and his wife, Lady Amélie Bond.

Devereau It was Lady Amélie who underwent the experience that is a mystery to us. Oscar will give you their address. Sir Reginald is out of the country temporarily, visiting business associates in the U.S.

Oscar Lady Bond specifically requested that we do not tell her husband about her disappearance.

Lisette I see. I’ll be the soul of discretion if I meet him. We’ll get onto it right away, shall we Darling?

Don I can see that special glint in your eyes! Sit Devereau, Oscar, when my partner has that look in her eyes there’s no stopping her!

Lisette Anyway, the interview with Lady Amélie Bond is my job, Dear, hardly a man’s province.

Devereau We accept that gladly, Mam’selle Lisette.

Oscar Here is the lady’s address and phone number on this card.

Lisette Thank you ... Well, we’ll be going then.

Don Thank you for the drink.

Lisette And the new case to work on.

Devereau Goodbye my dear. Oscar will see you out.

Oscar But not before the traditional French parting.

Lisette More kisses on the cheek? Really, you men are incorrigible!

Devereau Au revoir my dear

Lisette Till we meet again Sir Devereau. Mwa , mwa ... (Voices fade; bars of theme tune).

FX Background hum of motor car.

Lisette Well, what do you make of all that, Darling?

Don It’s hard to say. But it seems to me that the Aloysius Ruby is in the sights of some kind of criminal organisation.

Lisette And that they’re using terror as a form of blackmail on the wife?

Don Possibly.

Lisette That’s what I think anyway ... Don, what was in the envelope that Oscar gave you as we were leaving?

Don Oh yers, I nearly forgot. Here ...

Lisette Photographs ... That must be Sir Reginald. He looks a little like Major Orange in that detective board game doesn’t he? And that’s Lady Amélie... Small attractive brunette with short wavy hair. This must be a press photograph. They’re both in evening dress.

Don Hmmm. It can’t have been taken many months ago.

Lisette I think the sooner I pay the lady a visit the better, don’t you Darling?

Don Indeed ... Rogi, will you drop me off at the newspaper office then take Lisa to this address in Chelsea?

Rogi Right you are, Mister C.

Lisette When you’ve done that, you can go back and pick up Don. I’ll be fine. The station’s not far and it’s fun travelling on the underground.

Rogi Very good Mam’selle.

Lisette I’ll be back home before you, Dear.

Don Be careful. If you’re interviewing a woman who’s under threat, that threat might involve you.

Lisette I’m always careful Darling. If there’s any difficulty I’ll phone you. Ah, here are the offices now. Have a good morning Don ... (Voices fade; bars of theme tune).

FX A door chime. Sound of handle rattling and door opening.

Maid Ye’m?

Lisette Good morning. My name is Lisa Rivers. I’ve come to see your employer, Lady Amélie Bond.

Maid Her ladyship is not receiving guests. Are you a reporter?

Lisette No. I’m a private investigator and I’ve come to help her ladyship.

Jasmine (Stubbornly). I’m sorry. Her ladyship is out.

Amélie (From a distance). What is it Jasmine? Not another reporter?

Jasmine She says she’s an investigator Ma’am.

Amélie Well that’s a more novel approach. (Voice comes closer). I don’t want to be rude Miss ...

Lisette Lisa Rivers.

Amélie ... Miss Rivers. But I’ve had rather an unpleasant experience and I don’t want to talk about it.

Lisette It’s not always a good thing to bottle up one’s emotions, you know. All the best psychologists are saying that nowadays. And I think that if you care to tell me a little about it, it will make you feel better. I’ve been retained by an investigative firm to look into your case ... your experience. Usually I work on my own, but there are aspects of the affair that intrigue me, so I agreed to look into it for these other people. Please give me a few minutes of your time. I promise to go quietly.

Amélie Oh very well ... Jasmine, show Miss Rivers into the living room. I’ll be with you in a moment.

FX Footsteps walking away on a wooden floor.

Jasmine In here, Miss, if you please.

Lisette What a lovely little room. Your employer certainly has excellent taste.

Jasmine (Proudly). Yes. She’s one in a million is Lady Bond.

Lisette Jasmine, your clothes don’t quite match what I expected to see on a lady’s maid.

Jasmine (Laughing). Oh, the seven veils harem outfit? I’m on my way to my belly-dancing class. Go there every week.

FX High heels on wooden floor approaching.

Amélie And she’s very good at it too. Won second prize last year out of a roomful of contestants. Stay a little, Jasmine please and serve Miss Rivers. What will you have to drink my dear?

Lisette Well, it’s a little early in the morning, but a plain soda would be nice.

Amélie I’ll have the same ... Jasmine?

Jasmine Yes Ma’am.

FX Sound of glasses clinking and soda water hissing.

Amélie Cheers. Now take a seat and tell me about it.

Lisette Well, the reports said that you were found in Green Park, blindfolded and with your hands tied.

Amélie That’s true. Some of my girlfriends were playing a joke on me. Jasmine was in on it too, weren’t you?

Jasmine Yes Ma’am.

Amélie It was all very harmless really. I don’t know what the fuss is all about.

Lisette But you said a moment ago that it was an unpleasant experience and you did not want to talk about it!

Amélie So I did. I became somewhat frightened when they took me into the park and left me there. Otherwise it’s really quite fun.

Lisette I see ...

Amélie I’ll show you ... Jasmine, bring over that decorative cotton rope on the curtain please.

Jasmine This one, Ma’am?

Amélie Yes. Now, Miss Rivers, if you will put your hands behind your back.

Lisette I don’t understand.

Amélie I’m just showing you how it happened, and you’ll see it’s only a silly game.

Lisette Well ... all right.

Amélie Good. Make the knots tight, Jasmine. It’s part of the game to know that one can’t get untied without help. It adds a thrill of excitement.

Lisette I see. (Pauses, grunts). No, I can’t budge these cords. You’ve done a good job on me.

Jasmine If you will sit down Miss.

Lisette But ...

Amélie Jasmine will tie your feet as well ... Get the other curtain cord, Jasmine ... That’s how we begin. The volunteer for the adventure is bound hand and foot, blindfolded, then cross-examined.

Lisette Good heavens. What do you ask each other?

Amélie Silly things you know, such as what they did earlier that day, where they went, what they bought at which haute couture salon. The one with the best and wittiest replies wins the prize.

Lisette Which is ...?

Amélie A treat out at a posh restaurant paid for by her friends. It’s as simple as that.

Lisette But you don’t go to the restaurant tied up like this?

Amélie Oh no. The restaurant comes much later ... Jasmine, tie that black silk scarf over Miss Rivers’ eyes and then you can go. I’ll free her when we’ve finished our talk.

Jasmine Yes Ma’am.

Lisette Oh but you don’t have to ...

Amélie There, a fait accompli. It’s not uncomfortable but it adds a little touch of mystery to the game. And I find blindfolds soo erotique, don’t you?

Lisette I admit they’re fun sometimes, but really, I did not come here to be tied hand and foot and blindfolded.

Amélie But you’re being a good sport about it, and I like that. ... Goodbye Jasmine. Have a nice time.

Jasmine Goodbye Ma’am ... Goodbye, Miss Rivers. Don’t let this worry you. Her ladyship is a little eccentric but she’s good fun.

FX Women’s solid shoes on wooden floor, distant closing of door.

Amélie Now that Jasmine’s gone, I can come clean with you, Miss Rivers. I don’t want her to know that I really was kidnapped.

Lisette But this game you’ve just described ... and demonstrated on me?

Amélie Oh we play this game. That’s quite true. Except that … on that night, when I had been bound and blindfolded, I was taken somewhere.

Lisette By one of your friends?

Amélie Well whoever she is, she’s no friend of mine! But the trouble is, I don’t know who it was. One of my so-called friends took me to some place - it smelled awful - and handed me over to a man. It was terrifying. (Begins to cry).

Lisette Look, your Ladyship, I can’t do much to comfort you with my hands and feet tied and this scarf over my eyes. Untie me and tell me what really happened.

Amélie V- Very well. There, that’s the scarf. Doesn’t it feel delicious when the silk is slipped away across your face like that?

Lisette Yes, it’s nice, but keep to the point! Tell me what happened.

Amélie Well ... I was still blindfolded. And a handkerchief was tied over my mouth. It was so tight! I tried, but I couldn’t slip it off my face. And then the man warned me not to try to get the gag off, otherwise he would hurt me. My hands were untied and I was made to sit down in a chair. Then my arms were tied again, behind me this time, around the back of the chair. I felt rope going around my waist, and it was wound round my body a second time and around the back of the chair. That turn of rope caught me under my bosom and held me in the chair very tightly. And I was wearing a thin chiffon top and a light matching skirt. Then the blindfold was taken off.

Lisette Were you able to get a look at your captor?

Amélie Yes, but his face was covered by a mask. I can tell you what he was wearing though. He was some sort of workman, a seaman maybe. He wore rough work trousers - duck I think you call the material - with a narrow belt and a brown shirt. And he had a wide leather belt around his waist, a sort of ammunition belt. And he had a huge revolver, and he kept on flicking open the chamber and snapping it shut, again and again. I’ll never forget that horrible clicking sound.

Lisette He - He didn’t play Russian roulette with you?

Amélie No thank god. I thought he was going to do something like that at first. But he was threatening me. After waving the thing in my face for awhile, he began opening and closing it again. And each time he did it, he said, “Get the ruby for us” ... ‘Get the ruby for us,” over and over. Otherwise, he said, the next time I fall into their hands I’m a dead woman. And he reminded me how easily I was lured into the trap.

Lisette And you don’t know which one of your, ah, acquaintances handed you over?

Amélie No ... No. And I can’t cut off all my friends. It would be insupportable.

Lisette So there’s a mole in your midst. What happened next?

Amélie I was held bound and gagged for the rest of the night and all of the next day. Only I was blindfolded in the daytime, I guess so as to make sure that I could not get a very good idea of what sort of house or apartment I was being held in. They gave me some water to drink once or twice. And I was allowed to go to a bathroom once, but I had to keep the blindfold on. The gag stayed on all day too. It was so tight. It dried my mouth out. And I couldn’t attempt to get it off with that man coming and checking on me all the time.

Lisette Which reminds me. I’m not gagged, but my hands are bound, and they’re beginning to hurt. Do you think you might untie me now? I’ve got your point.

Amélie (Distractedly). Yes ... Yes of course. Sorry ... There.

Lisette Ohh, thank you. I’ll rub a little circulation back into them ... So you don’t want to go to the police?

Amélie Oh no. Then it would all come out.

Lisette Hmm. And the ruby?

Amélie The man told me they’d let me know when they wanted it. I’ll have to take it out of the safe and substitute a fake ... and keep quiet about it all ... I don’t know what to do. I can’t go on living in fear like this. (Begins to cry again).

Lisette Of course not. Oh hush please ... I think the first thing we have to do is to try to identify the mole, then get her to talk ... Do you think you could introduce me into your little circle who play that ... game?

Amélie I don’t think it will be difficult.

Lisette When do you have your next meeting?

Amélie As a matter of fact, it’s on tonight. I was about to cancel it, but it’s too short a notice.

Lisette It’s a very suitable time. We can get started right away.

Amélie All right ... Thank you. But ... there is one thing.

Lisette What’s that?

Amélie I hope you won’t mind being tied and blindfolded again?

Lisette I don’t understand.

Amélie Well … because you’re a newcomer, you’re the neophyte. And it would look suspicious if we didn’t extend the same rules to you as we do towards all newcomers, though we haven’t had a new member for quite some time.

Lisette Hmm. Where do you hold this event?

Amélie We take it in rotation. It’s at my apartment off Cadogan Square this time, not far from here. I’ll give you the address. The drinks begin after eight.

Lisette And the game?

Amélie Begins after nine when everyone’s arrived.

Lisette I’ll be there. What should I bring?

Amélie Nothing. Dress can be casual evening wear. Do you have a little black dress?

Lisette Several.

Amélie Well, wear one of them.

Lisette Thank you for the interview ... and the demonstration.

FX Two pairs of high heels clicking on the wooden floor.

Amélie You’ve made me feel a little better already. I’m glad I agreed to see you after all ... Oh, there is one thing you can bring with you?

Lisette Oh? And what’s that?

Amélie Bring a thick silk scarf. When their turn comes around, most of the ladies prefer their own blindfolds ... Don’t worry about anything else. We have plenty of rope.

Signature tune Begins, builds up ... fades.