LISETTE RUISSEAU & THE GRAND GUIGNOL AFFAIR

by

Brian Sands

Pobre Diabla, Peruana Rosanna Fernandez-Maldonado, Overlaid Vidcap

Episode Three Lady Scarples Speaks

Signature tune Ravel’s Bolero.

Announcer We present Andrea Joyau and Noir de Plaisance in Lisette Ruisseau and the Grand Guignol Affair, a Lisette Ruisseau and Donald Caisson mystery by Mignon Marceau. Episode Three, “Lady Scarples Speaks.”

Signature tune Continues, fades.

Woman She’s still here, Lady Prunella.

Prunella I’m so glad. Let’s untie her, Jasmine, and tell her about it.

Lisa Mm hm!

Jasmine I think we should keep her tied, just for the present. But we can take her gag off.

Prunella What you think best. But Lady Bond ...

Jasmine ... is not important. Don’t you see? She was going to tell this young woman everything. But we’ve succeeded in delaying her, and now we’ve got the girl to ourselves. We can’t let them meet again before we’ve explained to her. On second thoughts, tighten her gag. It’s best that we get her away from here where we can talk without being disturbed

Lisa Mmmph!

Jasmine Good ... Take her legs. I’ll (grunts) take her shoulders.

Lisette Mmmmmph, nnnng!

Jasmine Hush Lisa. It’s all right.

Signature tune Continues, fades.

FX Ringing phone.

Don Yes Roger?

Roger The house appears almost empty, sir, except for the maid. And another person who returned after I left Mam’selle Lisa tied there. I think both women are with her now.

Don Knowing Lisa, she’ll be at the height of her investigative powers even though bound and gagged. When she’s on a hot scent in a new case there’s no stopping her!

Roger Indeed, sir!

Don Keep your eyes on the place. Strange things are happening and I won’t be satisfied until Lisette is out of there.

Roger Of course, sir. I feel somewhat responsible, sir

Don It’s not your fault. It is difficult working for two people.

Roger Mam’selle is a handful at times, sir.

Don But she does make our lives interesting.

Roger Indeed, Sir.

Signature tune A few bars, fades.

Prunella What a wonderful idea to bring her here, to our own little clubroom. But let’s not keep the poor lady bound hand and foot any longer, not to mention that uncomfortable gag.

Jasmine Might I remind you my lady that it was your idea!

Prunella Yes, well ... It would have been such an embarrassment if anyone heard her cries. I just would never live it down in society! ... There now, my dear. That’s out of your mouth.

Lisa Oof! I must say your little group has quite a way of keeping a girl quiet! Now, please untie me!

Prunella I- I hope you’ll stay with the case, Mam’selle Ruisseau.

Jasmine We wanted to talk to you first, to give you our point of view before you had a chance to speak again with Lady Bond.

Lisa And you did it by tying me up and kidnapping me! ... Oh, it feels good to have my hands back again! ... All right. Say what you wish to tell me. I’m your captive audience.

Prunella You see, Mam’selle, it’s this way ... I’m being blackmailed.

Lisa That’s hardly surprising, considering the antics you get up to with that funny little group. You don’t want your wider social set knowing about it, I’ll warrant!

Prunella No, it’s not that ... I’m being blackmailed for a different reason, one more ... troublesome.

Lisa What does it involve?

Prunella There are ... were ... some letters, in fact, very many letters. They were written when I was a lot younger and were, um, somewhat indiscreet. My husband doesn’t know about them, and I don’t want him to ever know!

Lisa Do you still have those letters?

Prunella Yes .. and no. They went missing two weeks ago. Then they were returned anonymously in the mail with the blackmail threat. Two of the most damning letters were not returned, and the blackmailer wrote that he or she had photocopies of the rest.

Lisa What does she or he want from you?

Prunella I don’t know. They haven’t been in touch about it yet, said to wait and I’d be told when they’re ready.

Lisa Do you know who the blackmailer is?

Prunella No, and I have no idea except that I suspect it’s someone in that little group you met last night.

Lisa All right. But where does Lady Bond fit in, aside from being a member of that little group?

Prunella Amelia - Lady Bond - is my patron. Without her assistance I could not sponsor all those public events for charities,

Lisa Hmm. But you kept me a prisoner in order to prevent me from talking with Lady Bond before I knew about this. So she does not know about the blackmailing?

Jasmine Oh yes Ma’am, Lady Amelia Bond knows all about it.

Prunella We’re close confidantes.

Lisa But I don’t understand. Why go to such extreme precautions to prevent me from meeting the woman?

Jasmine Lady Scarples was going to arrange a joint interview between the three of you, then ...

Prunella I suddenly had the awful thought that she might be the blackmailer!

Jasmine We wanted to talk to you first and explain our suspicions.

Lisa Have you any proof ... any clue about her possibly being the blackmailer?

Prunella No, not really, but she’s been behaving a little strangely lately and I wondered whether it might be an attack of conscience.

Lisa I see ... But why choose to tell me?

Prunella We know you’re a private enquiry agent.

Jasmine That’s another point. We wondered why you were interested in our little group.

Lisa Well I’m not at liberty to say, but your blackmailing story does give me more food for thought ... Now, if you don’t mind, I wish to be released.

Prunella We’ll take you home in my Rolls, dear, and thank you for listening. Will you help us?

Lisa I’ll do my best.

Jasmine Lady Scarples, I think we should blindfold Mam’selle.

Prunella Oh yes. We don’t want you to know the location of our little clubhouse.

Lisa Very well, but no ropes please, and definitely no gag. I’ve had enough of being tied and gagged!

Jasmine Come then, I’ll just tie this silk scarf over your eyes.

Prunella Fold it narrowly so that it will press her eyelids shut.

Jasmine There. How does that feel Mam’selle?

Lisa Oh my! Even a blindfold alone makes one feel so helpless!

Prunella Are you comfortable? It’s not too tight?

Lisa It’s sealed my eyes tight shut, but it’s not too uncomfortable, thank you.

Prunella Let’s go then. Jasmine, please lead Mam’selle to the car while I fetch my wrap, and hers.

Jasminse This way Mam’selle Ruisseau, mind the step.

FX Retreating foot steps, high heels.

Signature tune Strikes up, fades ... Voices fade in.

Lisa ... and then they brought me home, riding in style, in a Rolls, blindfolded.

Don So you have no idea where they took you?

Lisa Oh yes! I have a strong suspicion because the sounds in that locality were quite unique. When they brought me to their clubhouse, I couldn’t be sure because I was bound and gagged and lying on the floor of the car. Everything sounded muffled down there. But when we walked out to the car on our return - it must have been early morning because I don’t think anyone saw us - I could swear that the municipal zoo was not far away.

Roger I agree. Before I lost them, I heard zoo sounds myself.

Lisa I think you lost us because they turned off into the grounds of the house. I heard iron gates opening when we left.

Roger Pinpointing the house will be difficult. There are several mansions in that area.

Lisa That’s true, until someone in that little group tells me the address.

Don Let me guess how you propose to do that, my dear. You’re going to start visiting suspects in the round, your favourite modus operandi.

Lisa It gets results!

Don Oh yes! Results! Like when we first met and you were captured and kidnapped.

Roger And in need of rescue!

Lisa But we cracked that case of the bandes dessinées, and gained allies for Sir Devereau’s Ministry, who are now part of their European wing! This new case is almost as puzzling. Lady Bond is kidnapped and threatened in order that she cooperate in handing over her husband’s jewels. Lady Scarples is threatened using her indiscreet letters as the lever. In both cases it’s blackmail, yet there seems to have been no instructions to carry it further.

Roger Sir, we cannot hope to dissuade the lady from her plan.

Don No. Her mind’s already buzzing with possibilities.... So, with whom are you going to start, my dear?

Lisa Um, the list of suspects is a long one isn’t it, and somewhat international? Nicole Rockesheila the Australian, Lettie Kliederbügel the German lady, Molly Bloomsbury, and Lina Islas. Then of course there’s the butler and the maid, and ladies Scarples and Bond. Jasmine and Lady Prunella Scarples prevented me from interviewing Lady Bond, so I’m placing her on the top of my list. When I speak with her, I’ll ask for the addresses of the others. I’ll probably talk to Molly Bloomsbury next.

Don One of us will be tailing you very closely this time.

Roger Indeed, sir. We do not wish to lose our lady again.

Lisa Oh very well, but keep in the background won’t you? I can take care of myself.

Don (Drily). Like sitting bound, gagged and blindfolded with a group of batty women circumambulating you chanting ridiculous lyrics!

Lisa It won’t be like that next time, when I go to one of their meetings. They’ll either have a new initiand or do it in rotation. It will be someone else’s turn.

Don Very well, just be careful ...

Signature tune Strikes up, fades ...

FX Doorbell rings.

Amelia Bond Oh, hullo Miss Ruisseau. Do come in. I had Simmondson lay out the tea things as soon as we rang off. It’s Jasmine’s day to visit her aging aunt ... Let me take your coat and scarf. What pretty autumnal shades in that silk!

Lisa Thank you.

FX High heels and chunky heels on a wooden floor.

Amelia Here’s the wee nook. Make yourself comfortable.

FX Sounds of tea cups and saucers rattling.

Amelia Sugar? One lump or more?

Lisa Two please ... Thank you.

Amelia Miss Ruisseau, there’s been a development since we last met.

Lisa Have you heard from the blackmailer?

Amelia Yes. He, or she, slipped a letter under the door ... Here, I’ll show you.

FX Rustle of paper.

Lisa Why, it’s written like a kidnap note with letters and words cut from magazines!

Amelia Creepy isn’t it? Read it aloud for me. I’m afraid that I can’t understand what it means.

Lisa Let’s see then ... It says: “Take the ruby from the wall safe and leave it where there is a light at the end of the tunnel ...”

Amelia See? I don’t understand.

Lisa “You will find the tunnel in your cellar.”

Amelia I’ve looked everywhere down there but there’s no tunnel. Do you think the person meant some other cellar?

Lisa That depends. Do you have more than one house?

Amelia Well, yes, as a matter of fact we do, but we never use it.

Lisa Is it here in London?

Amelia No. It’s a little way out in the country, just a small honeysuckle cottage, not a mansion or anything like that.

Lisa All the same, small houses can have cellars ... I think we should go there. How long will it take?

Amelia It’s only an hour once we’re on the M2.

Lisa Come on then! Get your coat. The sooner we’re there, the quicker we can get to the bottom of this and set your mind at rest.

Amelia But, the ruby. I’m supposed to take it with me, and I don’t know the combination of the safe even if I wanted to give it to that person.

Lisa The we’ll make up a packet that looks as though it might contain the gem. But all we need to do is to find whether a cellar exists in your country house, and whether there’s a tunnel behind one of its walls. Once we know that, we can set a trap for your blackmailer.

Amelia (Doubtfully). It sounds dangerous.

Lisa So is blackmailing, and kidnapping ... dangerous for the criminal!

Amelia All right. We’ll take my car.

Lisa Good. It’s more comfortable than my little Renault. (Voices fade).

Signature tune Strikes up, continues for several bars, fades ...

FX Purring of the motor of a powerful car.

Amelia We’re near Gravesend. It’s not far now ... (Fade).

FX Continuing sound of car’s motor.

Amelia It used to me my little home away from home, but it looks sort of spooky now. I really can’t imagine a secret tunnel, much less a cellar. I guess I never looked.

Lisa We’ll find out soon enough.

FX Sound of car coming to a stop.

Amelia Here we are.

Lisa Good. Do you have your flashlight, and your keys?

Amelia Yes.

Lisa Come on then!

FX Car doors open and close. Feet walking on a gravel path.

Amelia My own little place ...

FX Keys rattling in a lock.

Lisa There’s not much to see, it’s so dark!

Amelia No moon tonight ... There.

FX Footsteps of high heels clicking on a stone floor. Light switch.

Amelia That’s better. The power’s still connected.

Lisa When were you here last?

Amelia Less than a month ago. We were thinking of selling and showed a real estate agent over it.

Lisa Look! I think there’s a door, just below the stairs. Do you think ...?

Amelia Where? Oh so there is.

Lisa It’s virtually camouflaged by the wood panelling, but I’m surprised you never found it.

Amelia I wasn’t looking for anything like that, so I guess ...

FX Sound of door creaking open.

Lisa The hinges could do with a light touch of oil, and ... see! There are steps leading down.

Amelia They look awfully narrow, and not quite safe.

Lisa We’ll take them carefully. I’ll go first, and I’ll do it backwards like going down a ladder. Can you shine the torch past my shoulder so that I can see from time to time where I’m going?

Amelia Like this?

Lisa Perfect.

FX Feet treading steps.

Lisa (Breathing heavily, her voice echoing). I think I’ve found the bottom. It’s not far and these steps are firm. You can come down now.

FX Heavier feet treading steps.

Amelia Oh dear! I don’t like this. It’s so narrow.

Lisa It’s some sort of passage, so the blackmailer’s note was right about it.

Amelia Lisa, I don’t think I can go on.

Lisa This is a fine time to discover that you don’t like enclosed spaces. Look, the light from your torch will chase away the claustrophobia.

Amelia Well, all right. If you think so.

Lisa Just keep close to me, and shine the torch ahead of us ... One - two - three - four - five (fade).

FX Heels clicking, echoing on the floor.

Lisa ... fifty-six - fifty-seven ... I calculate we’ve gone about thirty metres.

Amelia Ohhh.

Lisa That’s a long way, underground. The tunnel’s at the same level, not downhill or uphill, and see how it’s changed underfoot from cobbles to a wooden floor? I think this leads to another house.

Amelia There are other houses, but in the countryside they’re not close.

Lisa I think we’re near the end of our journey. The tunnel stops right here.

Amelia I hope we can get back.

Lisa It’s all been straight forward so far, so I don’t think there’s much risk of getting lost.

Amelia Don’t say that!

Lisa Look! ... Amelia, bring the torch closer ... I think there’s a door.

Amelia I hope we get above ground soon. Ohhh, the torch is fading. The batteries must be flat.

Lisa I can’t find a door knob or a latch, but I’ll give it a jolly good push. (Grunts). There ... the wood’s damp and rotted and it’s opening.

FX Squealing of wooden door.

Lisa Shine what’s left of your torch in there.

Amelia It looks like some sort of room.

Lisa A small room. Smooth concrete floor. It’s a cellar I think.

Amelia Is there a light switch on the wall?

Lisa No, I can’t see one, but your torch is not much help ... Ohhh my god!

Amelia What is it?

Lisa Your torch would choose this moment to die on us completely! I thought I saw a body on the floor, over in the corner. But now we can’t see a thing.

Amelia Ohhh, I don’t like this!

Lisa Take my hand ... there! Now ... We’ll walk carefully across the floor. Take little shuffling steps.

FX Heels shuffling on a concrete floor, clicking occasionally.

Amelia Ohhh, I don’t want to step on a body!

Lisa You won’t. I have a cigarette lighter here in my bag. I’ll flick it on when we’ve gone a few more paces. If we don’t find another way out and have to backtrack, we’ll have to conserve the lighter fluid. It’s Don’s. He doesn’t smoke, only keeps it for his clients. On a lucky chance it’s found its way into my bag.

Amelia You know what you’re doing. I’m so glad you’re here with me!

Lisa All part of the service ... Now, how far have we crossed on this floor? I’ll give us some light for a moment.

FX Clicking of a cigarette lighter.

Lisa That’s better. Nice to see for a change.

Amelia Oh yess, thank god! Can- can you see the- the ...?

Lisa The body? Yes. Only a couple of paces away. It looks like a woman. There’s a silky skirt, stockings ... Her ankles are tied together with some sort of twine.

Amelia Is she d- ?

Lisa Dead? Hard to tell from this distance. I’ll have to get close enough to check for a pulse.

Amelia Eee, better you than me!

Lisa Don’t be a cry-baby! If the woman’s dead, she can’t harm us, and if she’s alive we can try to help her ... Here, you take the lighter and hold it for me.

Amelia All right. Like this?

Lisa Excellent. You’ll make a good Doctor Watson I’m sure ... Now, let’s see ... Hmm, she’s still warm ... Her wrists are tied together behind her back ... I’ll turn her head ... There’s a pulse in her throat so she’s definitely alive.

Amelia Thank goodness!

Lisa She’s gagged too. There’s a cloth - it looks like a white table napkin - tied very tightly between her jaws ... Can you bring the light closer?

Amelia Like this?

Lisa Yes, good ... My heavens! I recognise this woman.

Amelia Who- who is it? ... Oh, it’s ...

Lisa Yes. It’s one of the members of your little group ... Your Mexican friend Lina Islas!

Amelia It’s Lina all right. But what’s she doing here, unconscious, bound and gagged?

Lisa We’ll get these bonds off her, take off her gag and bring her round. Then she can tell us.

Woman (Muffled). That won’t be necessary, Mam’selle Ruisseau!

Lisa Wh- ?

Woman Leave her there and stand up! Keep your lighter on, for the time being. That means you’re lit up but you can’t see me back in these shadows.

Amelia What’s the meaning of this?

Woman I advise you not to try any tricks. I have a gun and at this distance it will be almost impossible to miss.

Lisa In a small space like this, a bullet can easily ricochet, so it’s not at all advisable to fire. See ... I’ve raised my hands ... So what do you intend to do with us?

Woman If you will step to your right side to the wall, you’ll find a loose brick. Press it.

Lisa Like this? ...

FX Sound of machinery whirring and the scraping of a heavy door opening.

Woman Like that ... Excellent! The room inside is lit. Please enter.

FX Heels clicking on concrete floor then on wooden floor, the sliding shut of the door with more scraping and machinery noises.

Woman We have just emerged from a cellar within a cellar, clever eh?

Lisa I daresay.

Woman No, don’t turn around! I am masked but I prefer that you do not see me ... Place your handbags on that table ... Good ... Now, Lady Amelia Bond, you see that there are several nylon stockings on the table. I want you to take up one and bind Mam’selle’s hands behind her ... You, Mam’selle, please offer your arms to Lady Bond with your wrists crossed. You can keep your overcoat. It is cold down here.

Amelia I- I don’t know how - .

Woman It’s very simple, just turn the stocking two or three times around her neat little wrists, and make a knot.

Amelia L- like this?

Woman Yes. Now pull the knot tight.

Amelia Please - I don’t want to hurt her.

Lisa Do as she says. We haven’t any choice ... Ouch!

Woman Keep the knot like that. A little pain will discourage struggling.

Amelia Are you all right?

Lisa Yes. It was just the surprise of it. I think she will wish you to double the knot.

Woman Yes, and make sure that it does not slip ... Good work. There’s plenty of stocking left to make a crossover around her wrists ... That’s the way. Pull it tight as well ... Double it like before ... Good. You’re a fast learner.

Amelia Lisa, I’m sorry ...!

Lisa Shhh. She wants me securely bound and we have no option.

Woman It saves a lot of unpleasantness to have your cooperation. Now, there are still two ends left, and they will stretch. Pass them in between Miss Ruisseau’s wrists ... good ... tighten them as before. Very nice, that’s all the stocking used up. I doubt very much whether Mam’selle will get free, but trailing ends might make it possible. We have removed that possibility.

Lisa What’s next?

Woman Sit on that mattress in the corner, with your back to the wall. Lady Bond will assist you.

Amelia Lisa, I’m really sorry! (Grunts).

Lisa Don’t be. You’re doing it under duress ... Help support my back. Thank you.

Woman Now the other stocking. Tie her pretty ankles.

Amelia Ohh I hate doing this!

Woman Don’t feel left out. You’ll soon have your turn.

Amelia How- how do I start?

Woman Wrap a few turns around her ankles like you did with her wrists ... Yes, that’s the idea ... Now pass each end in opposite directions between her ankles ... No, I said between them ... that’s better. Now make a knot and pull it nice and tight ... Hmm, now double it - don’t let it slip - and tie it off ... Not bad ... You won’t he going very far in this small room, Mam’selle.

Lisa I’ve been bound hand and foot before!

Woman No doubt, in your profession, but perhaps not with nylon stockings. They make very efficient ties, and they’re usually easy to find in a domestic situation. Those knots cannot be picked loose with your fingers, nor with your fingernails. The only way to get those bonds off will be to cut them.

Lisa You seem to have thought of everything.

Woman You’ll find out soon enough how well prepared I am ... Now, you, Lady Amelia Bond ... I require you to turn around and give me your hands.

Amelia Ohhh noooo!

Woman I am quite aware of your claustrophobia. It gives me great pleasure to do this. (Grunts). There, going nicely around your wrists.

Amelia Ohhh please no!

Woman Shut up! Take it philosophically like Mam’selle Rivers here.

Amelia She- she’s experienced at these things. I’ve never been tied up.

Woman Except for that little trip to Green Park. Wasn’t that fun!

Amelia No, it was terrifying, especially with the blindfold, but at least I was out in the open.

Woman Not in a cosy little cellar under the ground eh?

Lisa You’re sadistic! You know her ladyship’s fear and you’re enjoying it!

Woman It’s up to you, my dear nosy young woman, to work out for yourself who I am. You’ll have plenty of time in here ... There, that’s your hands tied, Lady Bond. Rather appropriate isn’t it? Now … down on your knees - no soft mattress for you.

Amelia (Beginning to cry). Oh please! I can’t stand it.

Woman Complain one more time and I’ll gag you ... That’s better. Keep your snivelling to yourself ... That should do for your ankles.

Lisa All right, you have us securely bound. What are you going to do with us?

Woman Why, leave you here. There are plans I have to make, and they depend on Lady Bond’s cooperation. After a few hours in this little room, she’ll move heaven and earth to get the combination of the safe and, if she doesn’t break, she’ll be a hostage to persuade her loving husband Sir Reginald. Also, now that I have you, dear Miss Rivers, I have another hostage. I am sure that Lady Bond will think twice before putting your life in jeopardy.

Amelia Please don’t hurt her! I’ll do anything you say!

Woman Nice sentiments! I think we understand one another.

Lisa Okay, so we’re your guests.

Woman That’s more like it ... Prepare yourselves for several hours in here, in pitch darkness.

Amelia Ohhh noooo!

Woman I see that I’m forced to make another little adjustment before I leave. The inner cellar is completely sound proof and no one will hear that girl.

Lisa You mean Lina Islas?

Woman Yes.

Lisa Why is she here?

Woman Didn’t you know? She’s an insurance investigator. Your friend Lady Bond knows, don’t you.

Amelia Yes, but - .

Woman She got in the way ... But I don’t have to tell you everything ... No, the cellar where she’s held is secure enough, for her. However, this room is directly below the floor of the cottage, the living room to be precise The door is thick but, at a pinch, it may not be enough to seal off sound. So I’m afraid that I have to seal off the potential sound at its source. I very much regret it but, before I go, I shall have to gag you both.

Signature tune Begins, builds up ... fades.

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© Brian Sands 2005.