LISETTE RUISSEAU & THE GRAND GUIGNOL AFFAIR

by

Brian Sands

Doulos the Fingerman

Episode Four The House Guests

Signature tune Ravel’s Bolero

Announcer We present Andrea Joyau and Noir de Plaisance in Lisette Ruisseau and the Grand Guignol Affair, a Lisette Ruisseau and Donald Caisson mystery by Mignon Marceau. Episode Four, “The House Guests.”

Signature tune Continues, fades.

Amelia Please don’t hurt her! I’ll do anything you say!

Woman (Muffled). Nice sentiments! I think we understand one another.

Lisa Okay, so we’re your guests.

Woman That’s more like it ... Prepare yourselves for several hours in pitch darkness.

Amelia Ohhh noooo!

Woman I see that I’m forced to make another little adjustment before I leave ... I very much regret it but, before I go, I shall have to gag you both.

Lisa You can’t get away with this! People will notice we’ve gone missing.

Woman No one will find you here, dear Mam’selle Ruisseau. The passage between the two cottages is well hidden, and the cottage we are in is set back from the road behind a copse of trees. There are no other neighbours. I have already taken steps to hide Lady Bond’s oh so expensive car ... and ... let’s see ...

FX Clattering sound.

Woman Ah yes. The contents of your bags include mobile phones ... There now, both deactivated, just like their owners!

Lisa At least can’t you loosen these bonds a little before you go? They’re so tight! It will be torture to stay tied up like this.

Woman Absolutely not! You’re bound hand and foot and you will remain that way for the rest of your sojourn here. Now ... what else was in your bags? Linen hankies and silk scarves, very convenient. Let me see ... Who will be first?

Amelia Please, please don’t put out the lights!

Woman You are in no position to beg or bargain, Lady Bond.

Lisa I think we are. Consider how much cooperation you will have from a gibbering wreck. Claustrophobia is no joke, and you need Lady Bond in a stable frame of mind if you are to come anywhere close to having that ruby.

Woman Hmmm. I see why you have such a formidable reputation, Mam’selle Ruisseau. Bound and helpless, yet you have the audacity to bargain with your captor! But you have a point. The experience of several hours tied up should be sufficient to force her ladyship’s acquiescence ... Very well then, the light stays on. The gags, however, are de rigeur. That translates as “severe.” There is nothing to be gained from leaving you able to communicate with each other ... So, I repeat ... Who wants to be first?

Lisa You’re playing with us, gloating! Just tie the gags in our mouths and get it over with!

Amelia (Beginning to sob loudly). Ohh noo! I can’t stand it!

Lisa Try not to be frightened Lady Amélie. She’s using our own linen handkerchiefs and scarves. They’re soft and clean. It will be uncomfortable, but we’ll be able to breathe, only concentrate on breathing through your nose. We’ll have to get used to it.

Amelia If you say so but I still don’t like it.

Lisa I don’t like it either, but we haven’t any choice.

Woman Make up your minds! I have a lot of things to do.

Lisa, You’d better put the gag on me first so that Lady Bond will see that it’s not too frimmmph!.

Woman Exquisitely fine linen ... a pity to spoil these hankies with lipstick and drool. Singly, they hardly count as quietening agents, but wadded together like this, and packed between your jaws, I think they will be most effective. You have real elegance my dear, unlike some of the others in our little set ... Now, this beautiful scarf, such a shame to tie a knot in the middle of it. However, that knot when fitted between your teeth ... just so ...

Lisa Nggggk!

Woman ... will anchor the gag in place. There, all done! ... See, Lady Bond? Your pretty little investigator is not too uncomfortable is she?

Amelia It- it looks very tight. Lisette, are you all right?

Lisa Mm hmm!

Woman She nods her head, so that should set your mind at rest. Now ... open wide. This silk scarf of yours goes right in.

Amelia Nnnn glg!

Woman And this long scarf from around your neck .. in between ... wound twice through.

Amelia Nggggh!

Woman There. Nice and neat.

Amelia Nggggk!

Lisa Mmmmph!

Woman A bit of a fib really. A silk gag if tied tightly can be very uncomfortable ... Is that the time? De rigeur, remember? ... Just one more thing. I might as well make use of this spare pair of stockings. First you, Mam’selle ... between your ankles ... one double knot will do ... Now between your wrists and pulled tight.

Lisa Ummmph!

Woman Aha! Don’t like it do you? It’s called a hog tie but you’re more a sweet little kitten than a pig. Be thankful that I’ve only pulled your legs half back. It will prevent you from wriggling around on the floor though ... Now you, lady Bond, I haven’t forgotten ...

Amelia Ngggggggg!

Woman Tying ... you ... just ... like ... your ... friend. That’s better ... Time to go. I haven’t forgotten to leave the light on.

Lisa & Amelia (Together). Mmmmph ... Gkkkk!

Woman I wonder how the nosy little Latina is getting on in the inner cellar?

FX Sound of stone cellar door scraping open.

Lina Islas (Muted and distant). Hnnnng!

Woman Sorry to disappoint you dear. It’s only me, your friendly neighbour kidnapper ... I see you’re still nice and secure. We shan’t change that. I could take your gag off I suppose. No one will hear you in there. But I’m in a hurry and it’s just that little extra precaution. Goodbye.

FX Sound of door closing.

Woman Goodbye to you two ladies as well. Or should I say à bientôt ... because I will be back tonight to question you further.

FX Key turning in a lock, wooden door opening then closing. Key turned in the lock once more.

Lisa & Amelia (Together). Mmmmmmph! ..... Nggggggggk!

Signature tune Continues, builds up, fades.

FX Phone rings.

Don What’s the situation, Roger?

Roger I have to report that I lost them. There was a traffic pile-up on the M2 and by the time the line of cars I was in were allowed through by the police the trail was dead.

Don We seem to be plagued by this difficulty!

Roger Yes, sir. It would have been easier with the homing device we fitted to Lisette’s car, but she and Lady Amelia Bond took the Lady’s Rolls.

Don Lisette must have forgotten in the excitement of the investigation … or she may have been unable to make that decision.

Roger Mam’selle was not bound when they took the car. I must say however that they were both in a hurry, so excitement on the spur of the moment must be the reason.

Don How long did the traffic snarl-up last?

Roger About fifteen minutes.

Don Do you think the ladies were also caught up in it?

Roger Very likely sir.

Don Then they may not have travelled very far ahead of you.

Roger Hmm, but my delay in order to phone you, sir, may have allowed time for them to move further away.

Don True, but was the traffic moving very fast after the disruption?

Roger No, sir. It was reduced to one lane only for several kilometres.

Don Where are you now?

Roger At a small hamlet somewhere near Gravesend. I’ll make circuits of the district in the hope of sighting their vehicle.

Don Good idea. I suspect that they may not have gone much further … I’ll make some phone calls. One of the lady’s little group may know where they have gone. In the meantime, keep on looking.

Roger Right you are sir!

FX Phone clicks off. Pause. Dialing recommences.

Don Oh, hullo … You’re the butler? May I speak to Jasmine Tetley, Lady Scarples’ maid? It’s Don Caisson with an important query.

Signature tune Strikes up, fades.

Lisa (Grunts, gasps). Oh-my-gosh! At last I’ve managed to hook the gag on a protruding stone in this wall! What a relief to get it out of my mouth! … I said, Amélie … Oh no, she’s passed out again! I’ve got to do something to help her, but it’s so hard trying to move with my feet tied back this way! All I can do is roll from one side onto my stomach then over to the other side … Maybe if I wiggle a little more … on one side … (grunts). Well, at least I’m off the mattress. God this floor’s cold! (More grunting and heavy breathing) … I’m making some progress but she’s on the other side of the room. Good thing it’s a small room though … I’m coming, Amélie, please don’t choke! … Here I am, talking to myself like a silly!

Signature tune Fades in, then fades out.

Don Ah, Jasmine … Please spare me a moment … No, no this shan’t take long, then you can leave for your afternoon at the movies ... I’m referring to Lady Amelia Bond. As part of our investigations, Miss Rivers and I wish to know whether lady Bond owns a property near Gravesend … She does? Would you be so kind as to give me the address? Yes, it may be a clue in the case on which Miss Rivers is working … Mmm, number eighty-nine Tyann Lane … Thank you so much. I’ll pass the information on to Lisette … Oh yes, she’s hot on the trail I believe … No, the identity or nature of your little group will not be released to the press. Discretion is our motto … yes. Thank you again.

FX Phone clicks off. Pause. Redialing.

Roger Sir?

Don Roger, I have something for you. There is an address for a small cottage, as Jasmine Tetley describes it, somewhere in your area. Tyann Lane.

Roger I passed its turnoff a few minutes ago.

Don Good. The number is eighty-nine. Locate the place then phone me. I’ll be on the road. This matter requires our undivided attention.

Signature tune Fades in, then fades out.

Lisa (In a muffled voice). Please wake up, Amélie! Oh, the silk knot in her gag is almost as tight as our nylon bonds. But I think I can get my teeth into it. A good thing it was tied behind your ear. It’s easier to reach and I don’t get so much hair in my mouth. Amélie … wake up, please!

Amelia (Groans faintly). Ohhh mmmmph!

Lisa Thank goodness you’re alive! Try not to lose consciousness again, or to get hysterical. I think I’m making some progress with this knot.

Amelia Nnnnng.

Lisa (Grunting and breathing heavily). Uh … there (voice muffled), the knot’s undone so now … if I pull on this end of the scarf … It’s loose! Try to spit out the gag with your tongue. I’m still trussed up tightly and I can’t help you get it out … That’s the way!

Amelia (Coughing). Ohhh, ohhh my god! Ahhh …

Lisa Don’t try to talk, Amélie. Just take it easy, breath slowly, get your breath back. A gag of this sort really dries out your mouth!

Amelia (Faintly). It’s so good to breathe properly again!

Lisa I know. But I think it’s the only freedom we’re going to have. I’m far too securely bound to help you in any other way. These knots in the nylon stockings are too small and tight for teeth or fingernails. I was saying that to you when I was wiggling over to you, but I don’t thing you heard.

Amelia N- no, I didn’t …

Lisa Please don’t faint on me again. I was terrified for you when you passed out.

Amelia I- I’ll try. It was that beastly gag. I couldn’t breathe, and I started to panic.

Lisa Well, don’t panic on me again! If something really bad happened to you, I wouldn’t be able to help.

Amelia At least we can talk.

Lisa Yes. That will help to take your mind off it … It’s surprising that someone with claustrophobia should become involved with a wacky little group that blindfold one another and tie one another up. Or maybe I should say merinthophobia as well.

Amelia Merinth … I don’t under …?

Lisa A phobia of being tied up. One doesn’t usually come across a situation like this in everyday life.

Amelia You- you seem experienced at this sort of thing.

Lisa I’ve been tied up before, if that’s what you mean. Sometimes it’s part of my job. As a tax fraud investigator, and now a private eye, I have been in some nasty situations, some quite terrifying! I don’t like it. But I always try to figure out a way of getting loose.

Amelia Such as getting your gag off. How did you do that?

Lisa You really were unconscious then. I was talking to myself – when I got those hankies out of my mouth of course – and that’s when I really started to worry about you, when you didn’t reply. These walls are rough and I found a section of the stone that jutted out far enough, and was pointy enough, for me to hook the gag on. I had to push my body up against the wall to reach it, and that’s difficult when one’s not only bound hand and foot but hogtied as well.

Amelia Do you think we can get our hands …?

Lisa To the wall, on a rough spot somewhere, and scrape the nylons against it? No. Look as far as you can see in this gloomy place … all the walls are smooth for the first couple of feet, and the hogties prevent us from standing. I’m afraid we’ll remain bound until that woman comes for us.

Amelia (Beginning to cry). That could be for hours!

Lisa Hush now! I don’t want to spend the rest of the night with a hysterical woman. The nylon’s kind of soft on our wrists and arms, but if we struggle too hard it will bruise and cut us like any other sort of binding, like rope or tape, or the thin twine that poor woman in the other cellar is bound with, Lina Islas. I wonder how she got caught up in this mess? No, just lie still and try to relax in our bonds.

Amelia (Sniffling). I’ll try, but it’s so unbearable!

Lisa Let’s continue talking then.

Amelia All I can think of is how to get free from these awful nylons!

Lisa Well, there’s also our captors to think about.

Amelia Captors?

Lisa That woman who’s kept her voice hidden from us has already told us something.

Amelia I don’t understand.

Lisa Consider. One: She’s distorting her voice. That probably means she’s known to you. I would not be at all surprised if she wasn’t one of the little group who perform that strange initiation ritual.

Amelia That makes sense, yes.

Lisa Two: She’s not alone. There is at least one other accomplice, the man in working clothes who kidnapped you and threatened you.

Amelia Of course.

Lisa Three: Something’s gone wrong with their plans – we stumbled on this place. Kidnapping us and holding us here is an act of desperation.

Amelia (Beginning to whimper). If they’re so desperate, they’ll kill us!

Lisa I don’t think so. Look at it from their point of view. They want to get their hands on your husband’s ruby. They’ve tried kidnapping and threatening you, a form of blackmail, although I’d describe it more accurately as extortion. As far as they know, we don’t know their identities. Also, now they have us, they’ll try to persuade you to figure out a way to give them the ruby. We’re valuable to them. Common blackmailers or extortioners are not necessarily killers. But they will threaten us and it won’t be pleasant.

Amelia (Wailing) What can we do?

Lisa Shhh, shhh. The best thing we can do is to try to work out a strategy that will satisfy them, and persuade them to let us go. They want the ruby. That’s the bottom line. Now, this is what I think we should say …

Signature tune Fades in, continues for several bars, fades out. Phone number being punched in, connection signal, the phone is activated at the other end.

Roger Sir?

Don Yers?

Roger I’ve located the cottage. It’s in darkness. I’m watching from a side lane. There has been no activity.

Don Right. I’m on the freeway. The lights of that section where you were delayed are coming into view.

Roger See you soon sir. But it doesn’t look good. I don’t think we’ll find the ladies here.

Don Time will tell.

FX Phone disconnects.

Signature tune Fades in, continues for several bars, fades out.

Lisa So you tell them that if they let us free you’ll search your husband’s papers for the combination. They’re likely to let you go, but more likely to keep me as their hostage for insurance.

Amelia I’ll agree to do it on condition that they let you go too.

Lisa That’s possible, yes. I’d like nothing better than to be out of these bonds … Listen! Can you hear something?

Amelia Y-yes. It sounds as though it’s coming from the other cellar.

Lisa Where Lina Islas is held. I wonder what’s happening?

Amelia The wall’s opening!

Lisa My god! It’s Lina! She’s still bound and gagged but she’s hopping through.

Lina Mmmmmph! Ummmph!

Lisa Be careful! Don’t fall!

Amelia The door’s closed again.

Lisa Yes. It must be on an automatic setting … Lina, if you can kneel down beside us – beside me that is – I’ll try to pull that gag off you with my teeth. It looks really uncomfortable.

Lina Mmmg mmmphlll!

Lisa Good girl. Try to lie down now.

Lina (Grunts). Uggggh!

Lisa This might be easier to manage. The table napkin she gagged you with has a large knot I can really get my teeth into! (Grunts, in a muffled voice). There, it’s coming! Now to pull …

Lina Ohhh … muchas gracias, Señora Rivers!

Lisa Well now there are three of us, all neatly tied up like sardines! You’re shivering, poor girl!

Lina Si, si… Jeans and a light blouse with a leetle bolero jacket, they is not good for lying in dungeons! I wish I had your lovely overcoat.

Lisa At least you’re not hogtied like us, so you can move around more easily. But that twine you’re bound with must be very painful.

Lina Si, it hurts, but I lie still and it does not hurt so much … I saw that horrible woman touch the spring in the wall – she thought I was unconscious – and I waited. It was a long time before I felt strong enough to try to open that door.

Lisa I’m glad you did. We’re good company … Lina, roll over. I’ll try to free your hands.

Lina All right, but I do not think …

Lisa Ohh … I can find your wrists, but you’re right. The twine is tied much too tightly. The knots are so small. And there’s blood on your wrists!

Lina Just a scratch … so we must wait until they come back for us.

Lisa They? Are there more than one?

Lina Si. Two others, both men. But they wore masks. I might have fought that bitch if she was on her own, but the three of them overpowered me and took me down that passage.

Amelia How did you find this place – I mean, my place? How did you get here?

Lina Is a simple story. I am in my work what Señora Rivers was, an investigator, but I am with an insurance firm. We are very interested in your husband’s ruby. We have reason to suspect that it’s a fake and that the real one has been sold.

Lisa I see … This adds a new dimension to the affair.

Amelia Why of course! If the fake ruby is stolen, its value will be covered by the insurance, and that rat of a husband will have the insurance money and the real ruby, both!

Lisa You jump to a conclusion, but it may be correct. Why such hard feelings about your husband? You said nothing to me about your relationship.

Amelia Well, to be honest, we’re considering a divorce, but I haven’t told any of my friends, and I didn’t wish to tell you either.

Lisa As an outsider, I understand. Anyway, it makes it more imperative for them that they get their hands on the fake ruby.

Amelia And they have three tied-up women on their hands!

Lisa Before you made your welcome appearance, we were just discussing what to tell that woman when she comes back to question us … You know, I think I can guess who it is.

Lina One of the little group of silly rich wives?

Lisa Yes … It’s a simple deduction.

Amelia Do you know who it is?

Lisa No, not for sure.

Lina A deduction is a clever guess, si.

Lisa But consider that woman’s accent.

Amelia I don’t understand … She doesn’t have one.

Lisa Exactly … Well, not an accent that would place her as anything but English. Your light Mexican voice, Lina, ruled you out.

Lina That’s good to hear.

Lisa The woman can’t be Molly Bloomsbury …

Amelia Not with her Irish brogue!

Lisa Or that Australian …

Amelia Nicola Rockesheila.

Lina Or the Kleiderbügel woman.

Amelia As German as they come!

Lisa Yes. And I would have recognized the voice of Jasmine, the maid, because I spent an evening tied up in her care.

Lina What do you mean?

Lisa It’s a long story. I’ll tell you later when we’re out of here.

Amelia You sound very confident, Lisa … I’m terrified! And these bonds are so horrible. They make my skin crawl! I never thought that simple nylon stockings could feel so awful.

Lisa Anyway, that process of elimination leaves only one suspect from the women we know.

Lina Lady Scarples?

Lisa Yes. But, with her voice muffled, she could be some other woman, someone we have never met. I’m undecided.

Amelia Why on earth would Prunella be the criminal?

Lisa I don’t know. It was she who carried out a mock kidnapping of me, together with the maid Jasmine … perhaps to put me off the scent? … We’ll have to wait and see.

Amelia I don’t think we shall have long to wait. Can’t you hear someone coming?

Lina Yes. The sound of steps …

Lisa From the other side of that wall where she exited.

FX Gradually coming into sharper sound, footsteps of several people descending a wooden staircase.

Lisa I think I can detect the footsteps of two men, and …

Lina One woman. I can identify that too!

FX Sound of door opening on rusty hinges.

Woman There they are boys, dear Lady Amelia Bond who I hope has decided to cooperate fully with us, and two very nosy investigators who have - unfortunately for them - got in the way … What’s this? How did you get your gags off? And how did you get in here, Signora insurance investigator Islas?

Lina Professional secret. I won’t tell you, you bitch!

Man 1 (Voice muffled but obviously beginning to panic). In- Insurance investigator? I thought you told us that you left no clues that would attract enquiries! And who’s this other woman?

Woman It’s nothing to worry about. We have both women so they can’t very well tell their superiors, can they?

Man 1 Superiors? So this one is …?

Woman A private detective.

Man 1 A private …? But what about afterwards?

Woman I’ll take care of afterwards. All you have to do is play your part.

Man 1 Well, I don’t like it! You can’t kill them!

Man 2 Shut up! You toffs is all the same, no bleedin’ backbone!

Woman I’ll devise a way of keeping these two young women out of the way. They shall in no way affect our plans. We’ll be out of the country well before they’re found … if they ever are found!

Man 1 You can’t kill them!

Woman What’s it to you?

Man 1 It- It would be murder! And a long jail sentence if we’re caught!

Woman The operative word is “caught,” and we won’t be. So let’s continue with the plan.

Man 2 It’ll be easier to question them upstairs.

Woman Yes. But before we do, I think we should replace the gags on our two investigators. Lady Bond can be free to talk because she has to agree to our conditions.

Amelia I shan’t!

Woman Hush! Of course you shall! … Wait! … before you gag Mam’selle Rivers I wish to investigate how she managed to free her mouth. Now … Let’s see.

Lisa Get away from me you bitch!

FX (Sound of a slap).

Woman The next one who makes the mistake of calling me that will suffer a great deal! Now. Hold still so that I can look at this gag now so loose around your pretty neck.

Signature tune Begins, builds up ... fades.

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© Brian Sands 2005.