LISETTE RUISSEAU & THE GRAND GUIGNOL AFFAIR

by

Brian Sands

Return of the Saint, The Roman Touch, Raffish Didclips with permission

Episode Five An Old Flame

Signature tune Ravel’s Bolero

Announcer We present Andrea Joyau and Noir de Plaisance in Lisette Ruisseau and the Grand Guignol Affair, a Lisette Ruisseau and Donald Caisson mystery by Mignon Marceau. Episode Five, “An Old Flame.”

Signature tune Continues, fades.

Man 1 You can’t kill them!

Woman What’s it to you?

Man 1 It- It would be murder! And a long jail sentence if we’re caught!

Woman The operative word is “caught,” and we won’t be. So let’s continue with the plan.

Man 2 It’ll be easier to question them upstairs.

Woman Yes. But before we do that, I think we should replace the gags on our two investigators. Lady Bond can be free to talk because she has to agree to our conditions.

Amelia I shan’t!

Woman Hush! Of course you shall! … Wait! … Before you gag Mam’selle Rivers I wish to investigate how she managed to free her mouth. Now … Let’s see.

Lisa Get away from me you bitch!

FX (Sound of a slap).

Woman The next one who makes the mistake of calling me that will suffer a great deal! Hold still so that I can look at this gag that is now so loose around your pretty neck ... Hmm, the knot’s still tied. What about the other two? … Both knots loose and almost unraveled, how interesting. Let’s inspect yours again more closely Mam’selle … Hold still damn you! Do you want me to slap you again?

Amelia Please don’t hurt her! I’ll do anything you ask.

Woman Anything? That’s encouraging. But first this little puzzle … what have we here? … Some of the silk threads are broken ... You snagged the gag against something and worked it off, then you used your teeth to pull apart the knots on your friends’ gags. Am I right? Answer me properly!

Lisa Y- Yes, that’s how I did it.

Woman You’re a very resourceful young woman! … Gentlemen, this one has to be watched. She remains bound at all times.

Man 2 Sure thing.

Man 1 Her poor hands! She’ll lose circulation!

Woman What a wimp! Just to make you happy … See? Her wrists are tightly bound by the stocking but she won’t cut off the circulation unless she struggles against the hog tie.

Lisa My fingers are tingling!

Woman Then relax and allow your hands to go limp. There’s no point in struggling against such secure bonds.

Man 2 Come on, let’s get them upstairs. The sooner this business is finished the better.

Woman You’re forgetting, these two must have their gags back.

Man 2 Okay, then let’s do it! I’ll take this Latin beauty. I don’t like insurance investigators and I’ll make this one nice and uncomfortable!

Woman It will be my pleasure to do likewise for Mam’selle Ruisseau – that’s your real name isn’it it? … I’ll just retie this scarf.

Lisa No … Mmmph!

Woman Ver-rry … tight! There!

Lisa Nggggg!

Man 2 This one’s putting up a struggle too. Keep trying dear. The more you struggle the tighter this will be!

Lina Ngn kkkk!

Man 1 I’ll open the door.

Woman You’ll come back and help carry them, now! … There, both nicely quiet.

Lisa & Lina Mmmmmph! … Ngggggg!

Amelia Please don’t gag them so tightly! They can’t breathe!

Woman With your cooperation we might be a little more lenient.

Amelia I said I’ll do what you want. Just don’t hurt them … please!

Woman I’ll take you up on that offer when we get to the den.

Man 1 I’ll carry this one then shall I?

Woman Yes … Enjoy Mam’selle’s pretty legs through her silk stockings. You must be wearing something rather chic under that overcoat my dear.

Man 1 Upsy-daisy!

Lisa Mmmmph! Mmmmph!

Man 2 I’ve got the other one. Get a move on! You go first.

FX Feet on wooden steps.

Signature tune Continues, fades.

Woman (Voice distant then grows nearer). Here we are, a cosy little den. Only two chairs I’m afraid, so … place Lady Amélie in one and the little insurance investigator you’ve taken a fancy to in the other. Mam’selle nosy Ruisseau can be less comfortable on the floor over by that wall where she’s out of sight and sound.

Man 2 (Grunting) Right.

Man 1 (Also grunting). There you are … sorry about the hard floor!

Woman (Sarcastically). Oh how gallant! Did you enjoy feeling up her legs? … Caught you blushing now have I? God, I wonder what I ever saw in you?

Amelia (Beginning to sob). Please don’t hurt them. They were only trying to help.

Woman Stop blubbering! Listen and I’ll tell you what you have to do.

Man 2 I don’t think we should be here.

Woman Not looking forward to when I rough them up a little eh?

Man 1 Might be a good idea though. That way he can claim he has no knowledge about how the ruby disappeared. As for Lady Bond here …

FX Clicking of a cigarette lighter.

Man 1 See this, Lady Bond? A little flame can cause quite a scar on that powdered face of yours.

Amelia Ohh no … please!

Woman (Chuckling). That’s a good idea. I’ll call on you if the threat has to be carried out.

Amelia No no. Please!

Woman In fact I’ll follow you. There’s something in the car that might persuade lady Bond even more.

Amelia Please! I’ve already said that I’ll cooperate. Just tell me what you want me to do!

Woman Oh but I’m enjoying your terror, and the little something I’ll bring back will make it complete.

FX Sound of feet treading floorboards, door opens and closes. Silence for several seconds.

Amelia (Her voice shaking). Are you all right?

Lisa Mmm hmm!

Lina Mmmph!

Amelia I didn’t expect them to treat you so badly. Those gags must be unbearably tight! … But I’m glad they’re out of the room for a moment because I have something to tell you … You have never met him, but I recognized him almost immediately … however hard he tries to disguise his voice and dresses in those silly black lumpy clothes. The “wimp,” that awful woman calls him, is my husband … Sir Reginald. I knew the rotter was having an affair but I didn’t guess that it would be with her. My mistake in marrying an old flame when I should have known better!

Lisa Mmph?

Amelia … You’re right, Mam’selle Lisa, that woman has to be Lady Prunella Scarples. She’s not so good at disguising her voice either … But I have no idea who the other one is, except that he’s the same rough man who kidnapped me and left me in the park. You saw the workman’s clothes he’s wearing … Look out! They’re coming back!

FX The door opens.

Prunella The wimp’s gone to the inn to fortify himself, so now we can start our little interrogation. But first I don’t think our two annoying investigators need to know what you agree to, or how it shall be done.

Man 2 I’ll move them eh?

Prunella Yes, but put them in different rooms. Mam’selle can go in the attic. It’s narrow, high and isolated. The insurance investigator can have a choice place in the closet beneath the stairs.

Amelia For goodness sake then, won’t you take off their gags please? The poor girls are suffocating!

Prunella Yes, I think that can be arranged. I’ll free Mam’selle’s pretty mouth.

Man 2 I’ll do the other one then. Jeez, it’s tight all right!

Prunella That’s how silk goes when it’s knotted. Ordinarily a silk scarf makes a good escape-proof gag … I remind you, Mam’selle, that if you take it into your head to scream I’ll come up and … the gag will be a lot tighter.

Lisa Mm hm!

Prunella Good. I’m glad you understand (pause).

Lisa (Coughing and in a faint voice). You- You had me fooled with that stupid game and my fake kidnapping.

Prunella The little game is not a trick. It’s quite real, a diversion for that group of wealthy women, and a means for me to learn about their assets. On the other hand, yes, I did try to put you onto a false scent. Unfortunately it didn’t work because you and Lady Bond found your way here and spoiled things.

Man 2 I’ll take her up now.

Prunella Do that. I’ll handle this smaller woman myself.

Lisa Wait! I have another question.

Prunella Ask away! But I shan’t guarantee a reply.

Lina (Interrupting). That, Signora, is what I expected from someone like you. However, I warn you to think twice about doing us harm. A conviction for insurance fraud is lighter than for murder.

Prunella Another word from you and the gag goes back on ... As for your question, Mam’selle Ruisseau …?

Lisa That was my question: what do you intend to do with us?

Prunella I’ll leave the options open. You’ll have plenty of time to think over the next hours to imagine all sorts of ways by which we might dispose of you.

Lina You unfeeling bitch!

Prunella That does it! I warned you.

Lina Nnnnk, mmmph!

Prunella There. Not too lippy now are you? And, while we’re about it, while my business partner’s taking care of Mam’selle, I’ll introduce you to a very dark closet.

FX Footsteps leaving the room, door closing.

Signature tune Continues, fades.

FX Mobile phone signal, answered.

Roger Yes sir?

Don I’ve just reached the off road to that village you mentioned, blast those confounded highway constructions! Where are you now?

Roger It’s more like a small hamlet than a village, Sir, but it does have a local pub. I’m in its car park with a good view of the front doors. I decided to scout around as Lady Bond’s cottage was in darkness. There are various cottages tucked away among the trees in the laneways. If the ladies are being held in one of them it will be dashed near impossible to discover which one without going from door to door, and at this time of night we’re not likely to meet a warm welcome from the local yeomanry.

Don Yes, that’s a problem. But I’ve a hunch they’re somewhere close at hand. The best thing is for you to stay put and watch for any suspicious vehicles.

Roger Like someone driving too hurriedly, I understand Sir.

Don Yers. I’ll cover the approach to Lady Bond’s cottage and we’ll await developments. Lisette usually manages to raise the alarm somehow, or to leave a clue that she’s been in a place or where she might be taken next.

Roger But it doesn’t look good, Sir!

Don No, Roger, it doesn’t look good at all!

Signature tune Continues, fades.

FX Door opening and closing.

Prunella Are there you are! Any disturbance from our two young friends?

Man 2 None at all, Pruny, both quiet as mice.

Prunella The little Latino can’t be otherwise, not after I finished with her. That Spanish woman is so fiery! She put up such a struggle when I was stuffing her into the closet! I had to secure her in a very tight hog tie to reduce as much movement as possible. She soon stopped struggling. Aha ha!

Man 2 Okay, but what I want to know is … what do we do about that little sniveler?

Prunella My husband? He is a problem isn’t he? Reggie had his uses. He went along with the insurance sting without a murmur, appealing to his greed - which is never ending. But as soon as that indelicate word “kidnap” entered into the vocabulary he’s become much too nervous for my liking. He’s liable to make a mistake, either to panic and do something foolish such as trying to free the women, or perhaps even going to the police … We have a very small window of opportunity, first to get our hands on that ruby, then, secondly, to get the hell out of the country.

Man 2 The two women?

Prunella They’ll be hidden in different places, securely bound of course, and once we’re safe across the Channel you’ll make an anonymous call to Scotland Yard and tell the detectives where they are. A couple of days bound and gagged shouldn’t hurt them unduly, a little thirst perhaps, and some rope burns.

Man 2 Do you think it will take only two days?

Prunella It has to. That window of opportunity, as I said … The longer those women stay missing the more dangerous it becomes for us. People will know about Lady Bond’s cottage and after a while the police will be scouring the neighbourhood. I estimate that two days are safe for us, but not a day more.

Man 2 And … Reginald?

Prunella He has to disappear too. I’ll see whether I can make it a voluntary exile.

Man 2 Buy him off?

Prunella Aha ha! Buy him off with proceeds from his own gemstone, how positively ironic! Yes, that’s a possibility. But the threat of being arrested for kidnapping and embezzlement should be enough. He should be glad to get out of it with his skin.

Man 2 And if he doesn’t agree to your, ah, proposal?

Prunella Why, there are several cosy cellars to choose from. He can remain locked away somewhere until the police find him. Or … maybe he should disappear permanently. There are quick sands on this part of the coast. Death by misadventure, even apparent suicide. Yes, I’ll keep my options open where he’s concerned.

Man 2 I think I hear his car now.

Prunella That will be dear Reggie. The wretch will be well sozzled after all this time.

FX Distant sound of a car’s motor gradually approaching. As the car draws up outside the cottage there is a piercing scream from the attic room.

Lisa Help! Help! Help me! I’m in here. Help!

Man 2 What the hell?

Prunella Aha ha, nothing to worry about. The little fool thinks that someone’s come to her rescue. She’s in for a surprise. But it signals a step that has to be taken before we leave this place. Here, take this silk square. You know what to do.

Man 2 Sure do.

FX Door opens.

Man 2 Hullo Reggie.

Reginald Uh, hullo … I, uh, thought I heard a woman scream.

Prunella Don’t get your knickers in a knot, just a little unfinished housekeeping.

Reginald Where’s he going?

Prunella He’s doing a small errand for me. He won’t be long … Now then, are you in a fit state to travel?

Reginald I got here didn’t I?

Prunella That’s not the same thing! You can ride in the back anyway.

Reginald Where are we going?

Prunella Out of here, back to London as a matter of fact. Our business here has been finished quite satisfactorily. The less you know about it the better.

Reginald All right. I’ll get my bag then.

Prunella Good idea.

FX Footsteps, door opens and closes.

Prunella (Speaking aloud to herself). Yes, he definitely has to go, one way or another!

FX Door opens, Man 2’s heavier footsteps.

Prunella You have a satisfied look on your face.

Man 2 Yair, well, there won’t be any more noise from that young woman. The scarf you gave me was good heavy silk, and I used the one that was still around her neck to cleave it in place.

Prunella You’re sure you made it tight this time? I don’t want her getting rid of the gag while she’s alone here, which will be the next twelve hours and probably longer.

Man 2 No chance of that!

Prunella I’ll check on her just before we leave … not that I don’t trust your knots, but she’s proved herself far too resourceful for my liking. We don’t need anything more to go wrong with our plans.

Man 2 No offence taken, an’ you might tighten that hog tie of yours, and more, truss her up. I didn’t have any spare rope with me.

Prunella Escort Reggie to the car. You drive and follow me. We stop at Lady Bonds cottage. Then she makes her own way back to town in her car and does the job for us this morning.

Signature tune Continues, fades.

FX Opening of a different door with squealing hinges.

Prunella Those hinges need a bit of oil. Shows how long this attic’s been unused, I hope you’re nice and comfy my dear.

Lisa Mmmmmph!

Prunella You’re not? Oh what a pity! That hog tie with stockings is effective, but I’ve brought a few more ropes. Now … (Grunts).

Lisa Mmmmmph! … Mmmmmph!

Prunella Let’s truss your arms as well, against the small of your back and with a little extra rope around your body. But first I’ll pull that trench coat back down over your forearms, as far as it can go. Oh my, you are stylishly dressed as I thought. A regular little black dress, with a deep V slash to entice your lover? That’s real silk isn’t it? And such pretty little breasts.

Lisa Mmmmmph!

Prunella This rope (grunts) will make them almost pop out. I’ll throw a blanket over you. If you struggle, and the blanket slides off, you will only have yourself to blame if you freeze to death up here.

Lisa Mmmmmph! Mmmph!

Prunella This is very different from our little game, when I persuaded that stupid maid to help me in a small abduction of Mam’selle Lisette Ruisseau aka Lisa Rivers. This is the real thing!

Lisa Mmm hmmm!

Prunella So you agree? Well, don’t look up at me so pleadingly. You’re staying bound and gagged like this for at least a day, maybe two days, until my plans come to fruition.

Lisa Mmmmm!

Prunella Yes. The only thing you can do is to take it philosophically. This cottage is isolated. Even if you could get that gag off, and it looks very secure to me, no one will hear you.

Lisa Mmmmmph!

Prunella Foolish of you to scream as you did. It achieved absolutely nothing. The cottage will be locked tight. You can be thinking about your Latin friend. She’s trussed even more stringently than you and lies jammed into a very small closet. You saw that sumptuous closet in the film Bound didn’t you? Hollywood bondage! Signora Islas’s closet is no way like that one!

Lisa Mmmph?

Prunella Goodbye for now. When next you see me, your future will have been decided.

FX Closing of squeaky door.

Lisa (Despairingly). Mmmmmmmph!

Signature tune Continues, fades.

FX Quiet background purring of the motor of a powerful car. Mobile phone rings and is answered.

Roger Sir, I think we have a lead! A well-dressed fellow just left the inn. Dark suit, tie, city slicker. Not like the usual workman’s garb in these parts. He was very under the weather. It’s a wonder he didn’t ditch the car … I followed on impulse. What didn’t seem right was his body language: evidently very upset about something, and acting furtively.

Don That’s more than we expected. There have been no signs of activity at this end. Where are you now?

Roger I’m parked a little way down the road from a cottage. The lights are on and the man has just stepped out of the car … Wait! I heard a scream. It came from some part of the house I’m sure.

Don Lisette? Is it Lisette’s voice?

Roger I’m almost certain it is. Mam’selle has a distinctive scream when she is wont to use it!

Don Don’t move! I’ll join you. I’m less than a minute from you.

Roger Not as long as that Sir. Just down the road. The two cottages are neighbours. The man I followed approached from the opposite direction to that of Lady Bond’s cottage.

Signature tune Rapid tempo, builds us, fades.

FX Opening of sliding door.

Prunella How are you coping with your tight bonds and this dark closet my dear Sigñora Islas?

Lina (Faintly). Mmf!

Prunella We’re on our way now. I thought I’d take a quick look to make sure you’re nice and secure … Ah yes, you can’t budge those knots!

Lina Mmf mmmmph!

Prunella You and your nosy companion are in for some long hours of darkness, silence and cramp. By the time I get back to you, your fiery spirit will be quite quelled I’m certain of that! … Goodbye.

Lina Mmf mmf!

FX Closing of sliding door. Prunella’s footsteps on wooden floor.

Prunella There you are, boys, waiting in the front room like good little minions. Come on! Back to Lady Bond in her cottage.

Signature tune Continues at soft tempo, fades.

Roger (Voice fading in). There’s activity at the front door. See?

Don You’re right. Someone’s coming out.

Roger Not our girl Friday, Sir.

Don No. Two men and a woman.

Roger That shorter man is the one I followed.

Don Yers. He weaves uncertainly.

Roger Mam’selle must still be in the house.

Don Yers. No doubt she is being held as a hostage. By now she will be tightly bound and, if that scream came from her, they will have taken steps to prevent a reoccurrence.

Roger Especially if they intend to hold her there for some time.

Don There’s every indication. The car’s pulling out.

Roger Turning towards the cottage where you just came from, Sir.

Don We won’t follow. Wait a couple of minutes then we’ll go in and look for the young woman.

Signature tune Continues, fades.

FX Two footsteps walking along a stony path.

Roger I don’t think anyone’s stirring, Sir, but we can’t be too careful.

Don That’s right. I don’t go much for firearms but sometimes they’re necessary.

Roger I have mine, Sir. Nor have I any scruples under certain circumstances!

Don If they’ve harmed a hair of her head …!

Roger We’ll soon know, Sir … Ah, the lock is picked easily. I’ll go first. If I may say so, I’m marginally quieter.

Don Go ahead.

FX Silence except for light footfalls on the wooden floor.

Don Not a sound. The place is as quiet as the grave.

Roger I hope that remains a metaphor, Sir … Where shall we look first?

Don From which part of the house did the scream came?

Roger In my judgement, it came from somewhere upstairs.

Don That’s where we look first then. Come on … Here’s a staircase.

Roger It’s narrower than the average English stairs.

Don First floor … The steps lead further upwards. Most likely an attic.

Roger Just the place to hide a pretty kidnap victim, high and almost out of earshot.

Don We can start by looking in the attic room, then work our way downwards until all the rooms have been searched … Hmm, this door’s locked.

Roger Allow me, Sir. These skeleton keys …

FX Rattle of keys, the click of a key in the lock, squealing hinges as the door opens.

Roger Dark in here. Shall we risk a light?

Don I see no reason why not. We’re both armed … Ah, here’s the switch.

FX A click as the light comes on.

Roger Empty, aside from a chair and a mattress on the floor. Sir …!

Don Yes, Roger, there’s a blanket on the mattress and, if I’m not mistaken, it covers a body.

Roger Let’s hope, if it is the young lady, that she’s still alive!

Don Only one way to find out … Now … My god, it is Lisette!

Roger She appears to be unconscious, and no wonder! Look how tightly she’s bound!

Don And gagged. It’s been tied in her mouth viciously … hold on my darling. I’ll have this off you in a jiffy.

Roger I don’t think she can hear you. I’ll cut her bonds.

Don We’ll have to cut this scarf from around her face too. The knot’s been tied fiendishly tight! … There … Her mouth’s packed with a thick silk scarf as well. She must have been choking with every breath!

Roger I’ll chafe her hands, get some life back in them.

FX Sound of hands being patted.

Don Brace up, old girl. There’s nothing to worry about now.

Roger She’s beginning to stir. Her eyelids are fluttering.

Don Lisette … Lisa, wake up. It’s all over. Your kidnappers have gone and you’re free.

Lisa (Groaning). Ohh … Oh Don, is that really you? … I had given up hope … They tied me so tightly I couldn’t move or breathe. I thought I was going to die.

Don You, my dear, have the constitution of an ox, a very pretty ox I hasten to add. Here, let me prop you up. Roger has a flask of water. Just wet your lips a little at first, then drink slowly.

Lisa Th- Thank you, Don. That water tastes wonderful! They- they’ve gone you say?

Don Yers. Do you know where?

Lisa I- I think I do. Help me stand … oh no, my legs are like rubber.

Don Just sit still. I’ll cradle you in my arms.

Lisa Ohhh, that’s better Darling. You have a way of turning up at the most unexpected moments and rescuing me. It’s a miracle. I had no way of telling you where I was.

Roger Your scream was something of a homing beacon, so to speak.

Lisa (Laughing softly). So to scream more likely … That … horrible woman told me this place was so isolated that no one would hear me. Then she gagged me just to make sure.

Don Rest in my arms dear. When you feel strong enough we’ll get you to the car and take you home.

Lisa Darling … Oh my god! Lina.

Don Lina?

Lisa Lina Islas … She was among that little group of kinky women … but she’s an insurance inspector working under cover … They- they had her. Lady Bond and I found her when we followed an underground passage from Lady Bond’s cottage to this one. Then we were caught ourselves.

Don Where is this Lina Islas now?

Lisa They said they were putting her in the closet under the stairs. She’ll be tied up more fiercely than I was!

Roger I’ll see to it right away.

FX Footsteps quickly receding.

Lisa I- I think I’ll try to stand again.

FX Shuffling steps.

Don You’re doing well … this is the head of the stairs, and another flight down ... Here we go.

Roger (From below). Sir? I’ve found the girl. She unconscious but unharmed aside from weals on her wrists – she must have put up quite a fight – and chafe marks around her mouth where the gag was tied. I’ll carry her to the car and make her comfortable.

Don We’re following right behind, Roger. Keep your gun handy.

FX Footsteps on stony path.

Lisa Darling, I think I know what their next move will be. It will be something to do with Lady Bond’s home and the ruby. They were going to let her free in exchange for her cooperation and our safety. She was tied up in her cottage – you must have just missed her if you drove past that way …

Don We did. I sat on stakeout there for fifteen minutes until I had the call from Roger.

Lisa The plan was for me and Lina to remain here bound and gagged until they had the ruby and came back to collect us … in a day or two …

Don You poor darling!

Lisa I’m not sure that either of us could have survived that long. Anyway, we’re both free, thanks to you and Roger, and when we’re back I shall concentrate on setting a trap for them.

Don What sort of trap?

Lisa I don’t know yet.

Don The sort using yourself as the bait, as usual I might add?

Lisa Very probably … Don’t laugh, darling. My traps always work.

Don But not usually as you intended them!

Signature tune Begins, builds up ... fades.

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© Brian Sands 2005.